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Well, I had tried to post regularly.

I was really trying.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

Today I am going to share with you one of my favourite quick food recipes. If you follow me on Instagram then you would know that I post about the food that I make. I post about it so much that most of my posts recently have been about food. 

No, YOU have a problem. No, YOU shut up. 

ANYWAY!

Three ingredient recipes are the absolute best, especially when you don't have to buy a whole bunch of new things. I also love three ingredient recipes that use up something in your fridge that you are trying to make sure you use before it goes bad. 

The ingredient of the day: FETA.

I buy Dodoni Feta, because I am a snob. It is imported from Greece, which means it is actual feta and not imitation.

FUN FACT: The cheese is protected by EU legislations and only those cheeses manufactured in Macedonia, Thrace, Thessaly, Central Mainland Greece, the Peloponnese and Lesvos can be called ‘feta’. This means that if it isn't made in those places, IT IS A CHEAP IMITATION AND SHOULD BE BURNED AT THE STAKE...well, okay that's extreme but it tastes different. 

Part of the reason I want to share this recipe with you is because I know that eating healthy is hard. Eating healthy is hard and wanting it to be healthy is also hard. Tasty, healthy, and easy to make? I am hitting you with the three best things you want and the recipe is three ingredients. Three, oh, it's a magic number...

Okay, I'll get to the recipe portion.

Baked Egg with Feta and Tomato

-One egg

-Feta

-Chopped up cherry tomatoes 

-Seasoning (I like garlic, chilli powder, and pepper)

-A ramekin

1. Preheat oven to 375

2. Chop up tomatoes (HONESTLY, this can be anything, depending on the size of your ramekin and food preference. You can use mushrooms or spinach or zucchini...it's up to you!)

3. Place chopped veggie of choice  into your ramekin then crumble feta on top. I used lots of the crumbly white cheesey goodness...because I have a problem. If you don't use tomatoes, add in some olive oil. 

4. Season it up!

5. Crack the egg on top of it all.

6. Place it in the oven for 15 minutes.

7. Enjoy. I ate mine with pita chips.

You can see a picture of it over here, on my Instagram.

Yes, that is me plugging a social media account.

Wanna fight about it?

well.

DO YA?

please don't fight me.

Leaving London

As most of you may know, or maybe you don't, I've been living in London for the past two years. I moved because of my graduate program at East 15 Drama School, and what an amazing two years I had. 

If you doubt how much fun it was, then enjoy this walk down memory lane that is totally out of order chronologically.

Of course, chapters must end at some point....and so my chapter in London has ended (for now).

This means that I have moved back to sunny San Diego, California. It is definitely sunny, it is definitely warm, and it is definitely weird to be back. It's strange knowing that I will be here for more than two weeks, which was the average visiting time whenever I would come back before. It is weird knowing that my immediate future is here in San Diego. It is just, well, weird.

I know a part of my heart is in the UK. I made so many wonderful friends, experienced amazing opportunities, and I am beyond grateful for every moment I had. I was able to visit Scotland, Paris, Greece, and South Africa. I had unique life moments that I will always treasure. I am honestly having a hard time verbalizing all the wonderful things I loved about my two years because my thoughts are running faster than my fingers can type the thoughts out. 

I am weirded about by being back in California, but I know it's a step towards where I am headed next. Where am I headed next? Who knows. I have always been a highly ambitious human being, and my attempt to stay in United Kingdom was foiled but my spirit has not been. I don't know when I'll be back in London...well, that's not entirely true but that's a future blog post's problem. Either way, I don't know when I'll be back permanently and am intrigued to see the path I take from here.

This blog post is more of a walk down memory lane rather than something profound or deep. It is the ultimate throwback Thursday, I suppose. Two years of throwback! I don't know what is happening next, but I am looking forward with hope and excitement. 

#throwback #WanderingNotLost #Okay #DoneWithHashtags

Hook, Line, and Sync-er

I am so tired of having to over justify myself when it comes to any topic that is branded as feminism. This includes sexual assault, harassment of all kinds, sexism...you name it. I am tired of assumptions being made without leg work being put in. 

It's okay not to know answers, because I definitely don't have all the answers. I am all about having discussions and dialogues about these topics and others. But I want to have intelligent discussions. I want to have discussions where I feel like the other person has at least looked into the topic before making assumptions or generalizations. 

You're probably wondering where this is coming from, because it seems a bit random out of context. Facebook. Facebook brought this on. Time and time again I am baited by posts that concern feminism and, because of my passion for the topic, I bite. I sink my teeth in and am often horrified at the taste that fills my mouth.

"This post about rape statistics seem extreme. It's probably click bait." 

"I know she has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean I can't flirt with her. She's hot."

"A real women doesn't wear make-up! A real woman has curves!" 

"What was she wearing? Because I bet that is why that happened."

You have got to be kidding me, guys. I am so tired of seeing stuff like this. Stop cutting other women down, stop shaming and blaming victims, stop justifying sexist behavior, stop assuming that because something doesn't fit within your world view that it can't be true. We have this magical website called Google. If you've not used it before, go on and click the hyper link and it will take you to this wonderful search engine. This is where you can go to learn things and search through sources to form opinions.

I got baited again in the wee hours of the night time. I knew that it would be foolish to engage. I was tired, which does not make for good impulse control or emotional regulation. However, I was so tempted that I bit. Immediately, I was filled with the satisfaction of a well phrased and informed counter-argument. 

Soon the delicious taste dissolved when there was a rebuttal. The person was defensive from previous responses and was already on edge. Defensive comments were thrown, no real dialogue happening. In that moment, I realized that I had worked really hard to share my perspective and feelings to get shut down. It was perceived that I insulted their intelligence, which was not my intent, and therefore my argument deemed invalid.

Online you can't read tone of voice or body language. Your brain fills in the signals it doesn't get. I have very little control over the way your brain narrates this blog post, for example. I can use punctuation! I can use textual effects...But the control I have over your perceptions is highly limited. You could read this with an angry English accent, and I would be none the wiser.

The Internet is funny business...I mean, I wrote a whole play about what funny business it is so I guess it isn't shocking that I think that. I also find it exhausting. Anyone who knows me knows that me and my phone are in a co-dependent relationship. I need to use it, it needs me to use it, and everyone is happy with it. 

Until I got sucked into this trap.

The trap, which was never meant to be a trap, really made me realize how little I get back from certain interactions. Thus I have written a letter to my long time beau, Facebook.

Dearest Facebook,

We have been together for a couple of years now. You've seen me through high school awkward phases, break-ups, embarrassing chats to all sorts of people, losses, college, moving to England, and everything in between and beyond. You've helped me stay in touch with friends who are over 3,000 miles away. You helped me rekindle friendships. You've helped me document life events. You have allowed for me to find articles, videos, photos, and groups that I couldn't have found without you. You truly have done a lot.

It's time I am honest with you. For all the good you do, you tire me out. The very nature of your existence means spending time online. I have found that sometimes people seem to only be interested in fighting online, putting others down to their face or behind their back, and not actually listening to others. You're full of so much clutter and hatred and defensive behavior that I wish I didn't need you to stay in contact with people. You exhaust me. You give me opportunities that then make my brain buzz until I am up at 3am writing you a letter. You have a lot of power and I hate that.

I know you don't mean it, because you really can't do anything about how people use you. You try, which is nice. Even with your best intentions you don't do well. Remember that article with the image of the naked little girl from the Vietnam war that you censored because nudity is not allowed what-so-ever? Remember the controversy that caused? Or how female breasts are not okay, but shirtless men are fine? You try. I know you do. It's hard to do the right thing when you let algorithms do the work instead of people, though even people will make mistakes.

I just...I think I need some space. Of course, this is on me. It really is me, not you. You're a complex piece of software that I shouldn't even be writing a letter to because you're not sentient. If you are, then I have bigger issues to address.

Either way, this is the deal. I am gonna take some space. Some much needed distancing and lack of dependence on you. I will use you as I feel necessary, and it'll be hard because habits don't die easily. I know this will be good, for the both of us. I'll learn to value you more when you do good and be less bogged down when it all goes to hell.

Now you know what's on my mind,

Alyssa 

Safely Endangered, a web comic that you can read here! 

I mean, new ones usually take their place. This comic harks back to something I said years ago about people being in your life for seasons. Some seasons are much longer than others, some are shorter...at least in this metaphor that is how seasons work. Friends don't always disappear, but they sometimes do. It's a part of life, and just because they are gone now does not mean that they can't reappear again some time in the future. 

I find something about this photo funny. The orange block comes down and fills in the Tetris spot, causing all of the "friends" to disappear. It it vaguely reminiscent of murder, don't you think? I mean, suddenly this block is hanging out with his buddies when this jerk shows up to "make them disappear"? What is he, a mobster? I would also refer you to the first panel. Look how horrified the blue piece in the left corner is. He knows what is coming for him. He knows this is the end. No one believed him when he told them this would happen, but here we are! 

And poof! Dead. 

I've gotten off track from the intention of this post...I have a bad habit of doing that. 

The point of the silly (and slightly morbid comic) harks back to the time of transition I am currently in. I am at a cross roads of where my life will go, with the probability of me moving back to California imminent. Nine days before my lease is up, which is a very short amount of time left in a place I consider home. It means it is the ending of my chapter in London. It means friends I hold near and dear will be scattered across the world, which makes getting together rather difficult.

I have to remind myself that friendships, and all relationships, take work. You put in work with the hope that the other people will put in work. Mutual commitment to keeping the relationship alive is the goal. I have made friends in my time here that will put in the work, which is really lovely. I also know some people may disappear, not out of malice but just because life gets busy and hectic. I also know there are people that I will probably never have an interaction with again, and despite how sad that is...well, it'll be okay too. 

I am still in a really stable mind about this whole change, though I expect a crying fest soon. I've continued on with the farewells, which never get easier, and am realizing that some of the most important ones are coming up. I feel the tears welling up right now, actually, as the thought of not being a commute away from some people settles in. 

No one tells you about how hard friendships can be. I remember as a kid wishing I had more friends, more people who liked me, more people who wanted to be around me. But no one tells you that friendships are hard. I have already told you that they take work, but it's more than that. I liken it to sharing your meal, which is a funny choice for me since I am horrible at sharing food. That's another story for another time...

When you share your plate of food, eventually you are only left with your portion. If you're lucky, your friends will also share their food with you so you don't go hungry. Friendships take from you and the healthy ones give to you as well. This two way path means that parts of you, your love, your kindness, your anger, your stuff goes to another person and you receive from them parts of their stuff. An exchange happens and it is this that makes saying goodbye/farewell/etc so difficult because, if you have a good friendship, part of you is kept by that person. 

Do you get what I am saying? I don't know how well I articulated that. Either way, the take away from today is that I have lots of people who I treasure and will be sad about leaving. I am also aware that it will take work for us to stay friends, and I am happy to put in the work. I am also aware that, due to life being the way it is, some people may not be around as much as I would like or need. A difficult time is ahead, where relationships will be tested and tried to see their durability. I would be lying if I said it wasn't scary or anxiety inducing.

But, as George Michael says, "You gotta have faith!"

I am really bad at blogging.

As the title implies, I am really bad at blogging. 

I actually lost the account information for this blog and only recently was able to recover it...that's how bad I am at blogging. It's funny because I have social media attached to me as though I was born with it like a deformity but blogging? Nah.

You would think by the amount I love to talk, and the fact that I'm an actor, would make blogging ideal for ego stroking and bragging about whatever I am doing--especially living in London. You would think that as someone who identifies as an actor, playwright, and director I would be particularly keen to journal my thoughts and feelings...then publish them to show everyone how raw and emotional I am. You would think.

However, I am the worst at writing my feelings down. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% an external processor and need to talk through my issues or circumstances out loud to come to a conclusion. But for some reason writing a journal, especially handwriting one, has never been a hobby of mine. The idea is romantic though...especially with all the lovely journals you can write in now a days. Practically, however, it wasn't my specialty. 

I use journals to write out plots, character notes, research things...stuff that pertains to a play I am in or writing. But ask me to journal my thoughts and feelings? I will probably throw a tantrum--internally at the very least. I remember in my undergraduate program we had to do journals all the time to express how movement pieces made us feel or what we were going through in our lives that could have impact on us. I see the value, no question there, but if you're not particularly skilled at that activity (or find it difficult as your hand cramps while you write) then it may not be as beneficial to that individual.

Of course, if you're reading this, you'll see the irony as I am...well, I'm blogging. I am bad at blogging, so keep your expectations realistic. If you scroll through the posts you will see that I CONSISTENTLY have apology posts for how bad I am at keeping a schedule on this blog.

I suppose I should get to the real point of this post. Besides my inability to consistently share my thoughts in blog form on the Internet, things are a bit messy right now. My MFA program has ended, I've graduated, I put a show on that I wrote at the Camden Fringe Festival with my theatre company, and I am most likely (95%) moving back to the United States in ten days. It's a lot of emotion right now.

Fear. 

Sadness.

Grief.

Anger.

Joy.

I'm basically the movie "Inside Out".

I have a lot of feelings swirling around inside my head and I wish that I wasn't in control of them, because that would mean I could blame things on little animated figures. Life doesn't work like a Pixar film, so I am stuck with the responsibility of my feelings and choices in my life. Boo hiss boo! I think some would call this responsibility, or a branch of it, and that it directly relates to being an adult. I am also told that I am now considered an adult member of society.

Man, life got hard really fast and suddenly.

Times of change, especially big change, are always hard. This time it's especially hard because I feel like I have finally found home. London has always been a place where I have felt particularly joyful and challenged...a place I could call home. Having now spent the past two years of my life here, I can say without a doubt that London is a home to me. In this time of adjustment I am realizing that maybe I will have many homes, and that's going to be okay. Unless some sort of crazy apocalypse happens, London will always be here. I forget that sometimes as I pack up suitcases, throw away bits and pieces of the past two years, and decide what is really important to me and what is just stuff. 

2016 has been a big year for me, and I don't see it getting any smaller in the future. This month is going to be particularly hard, even after I know where I am relocating. I could get really lucky and end up staying. The possibility is there, though the probability is low. I am most likely moving back to San Diego, which means I have a lot of things to organize in the next ten days to make sure my affairs are in order. 

(That sounds like I am dying...you're lucky I'm level-headed while writing this or it'd be full of indulgent, morbid tones.)

I have a lot to be grateful for in this time of hardship. I have things to be justifiably upset about. I have things to be over-joyed about. I am full of feelings, swelling with absolutely every emotion possible and yet numb. I don't have any answers for questions like: 

"What's your next step?"  "Any big plans when you move back?"  "Are you going to do anything when you get back to California?"  "Do you think you'll be happy there?"

Easy, cowboy...My next step is to take it one step at a time, projecting too far into the future isn't good for me. My big plans when I move back are to take it one step at a time. Obviously I am going to do things in California, what a stupid vague question. Happiness is subjective and I don't know if I believe in it because it implies that I am untroubled or carefree or content and I rather not have those adjectives describe my life. 

The Oatmeal did a post recently about happiness that describes it in a way that I really enjoy. You can find it here. I highly recommend giving it a read.

I suppose I won't know what will happen when I move. I am not psychic and thus cannot tell the future, to my great dismay. I know that I have people who love me and support me, which makes this transition easier. I know that I have made the most of my time in London. I know that I have become a stronger, wiser, and better person. I know I have an MFA and I'm only 24. I know quite a few things, which gives me comfort. 

I also know I am really bad at blogging (being aware of my downfalls is also important).

Being Selective.

“We live in an age where we feel guilt whenever we have to cut someone off but the reality is that some relationships do need to die, some people do need to be unfollowed and defriended. We aren’t meant to be this tethered to the people in our past. The Internet mandates that we don’t burn bridges and keep everyone around like relics but those expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy. Simply put, we don’t need to know what everyone else is up to. We’re allowed to be choosy about who we surround ourselves with online and in real life, even if it might hurt people’s feelings.”

—	Thought Catalog  (via ed-ingle)

Trying to find the words...

Usually I'm pretty good with words. ANYONE who has been around me for more than ten minutes knows that I am good at talking. 

   What most people don't realize is that there are a lot of things I don't say, thanks to this wonderful thing I have called a filter. 

It's not a real filter, not a physical entity, but I like to think there's a part of my brain that I've developed that will tell me..."HEY, DON'T SAY THAT. NOT HERE, NOT NOW."

   This voice, or intuition, is a valued trait. But that's not where I'm going today, because I could write a ton about the filter in my head. The filter I am talking about is the one you use when it comes to who you let in your life and who you don't. I have experienced my fair share of ended friendships, ultimately a drifting apart that was for the best, and I find that it was ultimately the best thing to have ever happened. 

This overly DRAMATIC image kind of does what I'm thinking a little bit of justice...

  Again, it is quite dramatic and something I reckon you'd see on a black and white tumblr blog with sad music in the background. 

   BUT BUT BUT I agree that not everyone you meet is going to stay in your life forever. I learned this through graduating high school, where I thought I had the best friends ever, and now I talk to less than a handful of people from high school. None of them are from my graduating class either! Shout out to Kayla for being one of my best friends and both of us surviving high school, college, and the swing community together. 

   I learned this in college, where I thought the exact same thing that I thought in high school. This time the burns hurt more, but they've healed. As a graduate, I realize that everything that had happened led me to where I am right now. And where I am right now is FREAKIN' AWESOME. My entire life since September has been dedicated to school, Key of Sea, assorted shows, and graduate school. Now I get to live out the dream of a lifetime by getting my MFA in London.

Despite the snipping, the burns, the loss...I am exactly where I dreamed I would be and filled with zero regrets. This doesn't mean I didn't get a few cuts, bruises, and scars. Getting here wasn't the easiest road and there definitely was struggle along the way, but I got here.

   I have to filter people that I let into my life because, after graduating twice and living life, I have learned that not only are most people not meant to stay but a lot of people shouldn't have been let in at all. Of course, you realize this after something fishy happens or a red flag beats you upside the head. But knowing that not everyone is meant to to stay and that not everyone is meant to be let in are two very important principles. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU THROW UP WALLS AND KICK PEOPLE IN THE FACE WHO TRY TO GET TO KNOW YOU. It means you use good judgement, you evaluate people, you seek wise council, you filter.

   Two of the closest people in my life have been there for years and have made it through some really hard times. Like, really difficult life points that seemed like nothing good would ever happen again. I treasure those friendships and look to foster the ones I have now. I know that me leaving will be a speed bump, or a wall for some, but that's part of growing up and continuously filtering and being filtered. I also know that come September there will be some people who will not make it into that next phase of my life. All I really know is that I am quite fond of a drama free life, have no problem removing toxicity, and will not put up with dysfunctional behavior from anyone. This is living a filtered life, a clean life, a healthy life.

I am feeling quite filtered, maybe you should start calling me Brita.

Just kidding, don't do that. 

In a Moment

So, I haven't blogged in a really long time.
I promise it was for a good reason, I really do. It was mostly I got caught up with school and then I had a tragedy that no one saw coming.

On May 6th, 2013 my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. A week after he had graduated from the University of Florida with his Bachelor's degree.

I've been dealing with the death of my brother on top of trying to not let his death swallow me whole, which has been a battle. It's really hard not to just let it eat you alive and wallow in a pit of sorrow. Because sometimes that's what feels good, to be miserable. Sometimes you just want to feel hurt and sadness and you love to kick yourself for the things you didn't do because for some reason you like to make yourself suffer.

My dad calls it adding pain to your suffering. 

I can't explain why that feels good. It doesn't feel good all the time, but it does sometimes. It probably sounds super twisted, but whatever. Maybe it's a sympathy thing. Perhaps if I hurt enough someone will try and pull me out of it and show me they care. Perhaps someone will just pay attention to me because I'm sad and reassure me that he did love me or that he was proud of me.

Sometimes it feels good to ignore it though, to pretend like it hasn't happened. Because then I can be ignorantly happy for a little and not be worried about turning into a sobbing mess when someone mentions a topic remotely related to the trauma.

Sometimes I have a really good balance of emotions and can get through a whole week without feeling overwhelmed or depressed. I love those weeks, they make me really happy because I know they're signs of hope and potential closure.

I know that being sad and grieving is something I need to do to, which is why I don't do the "ignorance is bliss" thing very often. I know that sadness is also a milestone, so I try to equally accept those feelings like I do the happiness. You don't get to pick and choose, unfortunately. I think if I was happy all the time people would be equally as concerned if I was deeply depressed all the time.

I think one of the hardest part isn't my own personal grief, but the way this tragedy has affected other people in my life and ultimately how they take this experience and apply it to others. It's hard. Grieving is very hard and I think death is difficult, predicted or not, because you are losing someone you love.

So, what now?

Well...that's a good question.

I mean, really only time will heal this wound and take away the pain. Time and God, a'course. Someday it won't feel like someone just punched me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. Someday it won't be hard to find motivation to do things my brother taught me to do or that I associate heavily with him. Someday I will be able to drive in my car and not burst into tears when I see a random motorcycle. This stuff isn't constant, but it happens sometimes and someday it won't be as often. I look forward to that because I know I'll be there one day. Luckily, my dad (with guidance from God) has been able to help me realize all this.

People think it's weird when I praise God, especially when I describe all of the above to them. But I know that there is this plan that I just can't see because He's totally in control. I mean, I don't realize it all the time or I'd probably be a super star or something. But I realize it often enough that it is one of the things that guides me through this time of my life. That and my dad. Shout out to the Lord for making him my dad because that was a great thing. Because with God's help and the help of my dad, I've realized something.

One day the sting won't be as bad.

What I need from those around me is love and comfort and prayer. Or positive thoughts, if you don't believe in prayer or God. I need people who love me, care about me, and want to support me. I need people who will support me when I am at my best and when I am at my worst. I need people I can trust. I need people who are willing to listen and only listen or who can just be there with me, even if no one says a thing. I need patience, because I'm not always on top of it. I need forgiveness, because I'm going to mess up and lash out. I need mercy and grace and compassion. I need people to be able to not reroute the conversation and make it about them. I need sympathy and understanding.

I know I need a lot, but I promise I give too. I won't suck you dry and I don't expect people to just constantly be giving to me, because you have needs too. Compassion fatigue is a real thing that I totally understand because it happens to everyone.

I guess I am letting my needs and wants be known because then there's no confusion. I am saying it, here and now what I need and what I'm experiencing on a daily basis. Moment to moment.

In a single moment, I can go from smiling to experiencing severe sadness because that's where I'm at.

That doesn't sound fun, I realize, but death changes things a lot and finding a new "normal" and new routine is something I'm working on. Normal from before is no longer normal and the way I did things, thought about things, or said things isn't the same either.

All I'm saying, really, is this is me. This is where I am. This is a glimpse into understanding what I am experiencing behind my curly hair and glasses. If you have questions, feel free to comment or ask me in person or through whatever means we interact. If you have no questions, then coolio.

Let someone else do the talking...

“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.” —-Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell

Attitude of Gratitude in the Season of Giving

grat·i·tude  

/ˈgratəˌt(y)o͞od/

Noun The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Synonyms gratefulness - thankfulness - thanks - appreciation

Sometimes I'm ungrateful. I'm human, so it happens. But there are times where I will feel like I am owed something more, like I deserve better. I usually snap out of it pretty quick because my dad did not raise me that way and usually that only comes out around him. I just get so absorbed in me and believing I am the center of the universe. When I think about how I can get, I'm pretty ashamed. No one likes anyone who is ungrateful for their life and the blessings they have.

If you read my last post, I briefly mentioned that I was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver and that God really was the reason that situation didn't end with a funeral. A lot of people don't know all the details of my accident because I don't like to make a big deal out of it because:

1. I'm not dead.
2. I'm not terribly wounded.

At least, on the outside.

You see, when I got into that accident I had made a split second decision that ultimately saved my life and potentially two other lives. If I hadn't switched lanes to avoid the much thicker part of the pole, my tiny low to the ground car would have rolled. Physics was not on my side and my car would have rolled right on top of the totaled drunk driver's car. This means both myself and the two idiots in the other car could cease to exist.

Every once in awhile I think about how I decided to move over into the other lane right before the impact and how lucky I was that I collided with the smaller part of the huge lamp post instead of the other thicker part. (Except when my injuries flare up, then I usually just get grumpy) I think:
"How in the world did I calmly handle this situation when I have so many anxiety issues? How did I do that and call 911 without having a panic attack? How did I do that while I couldn't breath?"

The only answer I have come up with is that God had my back. And front, and sides. He put his hand on me and guided me through one of the most traumatic events of my life. There was a lot less I in that situation and a lot more Him. On my left wrist, I have a tattoo. If you didn't know that...well, surprise! In the tattoo, it has the verse Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."

I was clothed that night by God.

Back to being grateful....since my accident, I've been having a rough time. I'm still trying to find my place here after being in England for four months and the accident really kicked up a lot of issues for me, on top of some family stuff that's been going on with my grandparents.

Yesterday my dad came up to me after my grandpa decided for Christmas he'd pay for the damage done to my car so that I can drive my car. He reminded me that I am so blessed and lucky to have the love and gifts that my grandparents give me because it wasn't always this way.

I really got to thinking about how TRULY BLESSED I am.

I have friends who love me and are there for me when I need them. Especially with coming back to San Diego and after my accident, they were on it like white on rice. I am so thankful for them. Having that rock there to support you when things get tough is good because then you know that they will comfort you after you fall and will help you back up.

I have a loving family. Every family has issues, granted, but when it gets down to it...my family has supported me so much. They made sure I could go to England, that I have everything I need, that I am provided for and encouraged, but most importantly....they love me.

I'm alive. It may seem silly to you if you think my accident wasn't that bad, but it could have been MUCH worse had I not made that split second decision and if God hadn't kept me the calmest I've ever been. God has this super cool plan for me; I know this because there have been quite a few near death experiences and I am alive to prove that it is not quite my time. In this, I have to remember to live my life gratefully because I have SO many blessings in my life. I mean, HELLO. I studied in London for four months. 

TALK ABOUT BEING BLESSED! AMIRIGHT!?

I just hope that I can keep up this attitude of gratitude because feeling entitled and acting bratty is not cute and people generally don't like it. I especially feel like this was placed on my heart considering the season we are in. Christmas has really become a consumerist holiday. A holiday about me, me, me, me. "What am I going to get?" "I want this. I want that. Gimme gimme gimme."

I know not everyone thinks of Christmas that way, and that's good. I'm not bashing gifts either. Gifts rock. Just remember that you are wealthier than most people in the world and if you didn't get the new iPod touch or iPhone or whatever it is because your -insert product here- is outdated or lame...maybe you should rethink throwing a tantrum about it and be happy that you can celebrate this holiday.

I wish we were a society of gratefulness instead of selfishness. I wish that was valued more than possessions. I know this post won't magically change the world, I just hope that it resonates with someone because these are things that have truly been on my mind.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm grateful for you, my friends, my family, my cat, my home, the fact that we have food, and most of all, my life. I hope you have a most wonderful holiday season and that you try can see the blessings in your life. I know that I'm not perfect and am not always grateful, but it's kinda been my mission to make sure that I do that. I wish it didn't take a traumatic event for me to realize it, but it's time to just live in gratitude instead of entitlement.

Happiness Missed This Train Today...

It is currently three in the morning.
The minutes will tick by, and I will be sitting here criss-cross-apple sauce on the conference room floor.
I will be sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I will be sitting here with mountains of work to do.
I will be sitting here tired.
I will be sitting here emotionally spent.
I will be sitting here anxious.
I will be sitting here sore.
I will be sitting here.
I will be sitting.
Sitting. Sitting. Sitting.

This is clearly not an uplifting post, but I'm tired and needed to vent some before I got back to writing one of my papers. I'm just...spent.
I'm butter in the bottom of the tub that just isn't quite enough for your toast.
Too thin.
Too little.
Not enough.
Inadequate.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm weak. I'm broken.
Right now, I need God more than ever before.
I suppose we say that often though, "I need God more than I ever have ever before this moment in crisis which won't seem that bad when I look back on it." I know I say it often.
I ache for my bed and for peace of mind.
And for maybe there to be less homework assigned. That'd be nice. A fat chance, but it'd be nice.

I don't know my purpose for this post, other than to just feel weak and accept it. I'll be better in the morning, when I'm no longer sitting and sitting and sitting. At least...that's what I hope.
3:03am. Three minute blog post of absolutely no substance. Amazing.

Pray for me.

ALL THE APOLOGIES!

Blogging is clearly not my forte, guys.

  We do so much here and ball so hard that I barely have time to sleep.
But actually...I went to bed at 3:30am yesterday, then woke up 3.5 hours later. That's awesome, right?

YAY HOMEWORK FOR DAYS.

And weeks...

And months...

And years...

And lifetimes...

       Okay, I'm being melo-dramatic but I had to emphasize all the time we spend doing homework. And somehow, some way...we are supposed to go out and see the city? Oh please, what do I look like? A magician? I'M NOT. The only solution I have found to doing homework, getting it done on time, and seeing the city is to sacrifice sleep.
In the words of my fellow London mates, "YOILO" <---for you ignorant fools, it is You're Only In London Once. This statement is not exactly true, but you know what...leave us alone. Stop being a stickler!

Wanna know what's awkward? 

THE GAPS BETWEEN THIS POST AND MY LAST BLOG POST.

I am so sorry.

   I've been busy, no one nags at me about posting, and insert all my other excuses.

I'm out seeing the city of London!

Yeah, that's what I'm doing!

Don't judge me.

So...I have a lot of catching up to do, haha. Awkward.

Let's see, we can start with September...

SEPTEMBER

We did Hamlet stuff, including a group class and seeing the production. Laertes...well, hello. ;)
We saw One Man, Two Guvnors. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND HILARIOUS. I LOVED THIS.
We also had a huge birthday party, it was pretty baller. There's video evidence of it somewhere, just blame Olivia. It was so much fun and competitive and fattening and delightful
Andrew Fowble went to Spain, but no one cares.
We also saw the best play of the semester: Troilus and Cressida. So....good? Well, not really.
But actually, this play was really, really, really...not good. I can't even pretend it was any good. I don't even know how to describe this show. It was an odd production.
The next thing we did was go to the Paralympics. No biggie, right?

HUGE BIGGIE.

We saw Doctor's Dilemma at the National Theatre.
We saw my most favorite Shakespeare production at the Globe, Richard III. MARK RYLANCE. AHHHHHHHHH. It was so good.
We had Andy here for a filming weekend, and that was hectic. BUT they recently showed one of the end products in Chapel, it looked awesome, so all our work was fruitful.
Somewhere in this month I went to Spain with Katie Callahan, which was so much fun!
Me encanta Barcelona!
The next big thing we did was go on our ten day UK exploration. We went to:

1. Bath
1. Went to the Roman Baths.
2. Bizzare Bath comedy walk, so hilarious. Noel did it so it was originally hilarious. He reminded me a lot of the comedy in One Man, Two Guvnors.
2. Liverpool
1. We went to a Catholic Cathedral.
2. Andrew Fowble: "LIIIIIIVVVEEEERRRRPOOOOOOOOL"
3. Deep conversations, affirmation circles, biggest hot chocolate in the world, ex-boyfriend stories inspiring Olivia. 
4. RAIN. RAIN FOR DAYS.
3. Chester
1. I have no comment. Olivia, Savannah, and I buckled under pressure and had Starbucks. DON'T JUDGE US. Everything dies at 5pm, especially on a Sunday. Laaaaaaamesst medieval town ever. 
4. Stratford Upon Avon: (SUA)
1. Here we saw Comedy of Errors, Twelfth Night, and The Tempest. I met the cast. I died. I loved it. I could have lived in the Royal Shakespeare Company, I really could have. 
2. We went to Warwick Castle.
3. Saw Shakespeare's birthplace and Anne Hathway's cottage. There was a kitty, and I loved it. Then there was Bubbles, the cat, who followed me for quite some time. 

The ten day trip was...interesting. The beds got better and better, ending with the Bed and Breakfast in SUA being awesome. I got my own bed and everything! sleep. I miss sleep. I should be sleeping now, but I'm writing this so people don't riot in the streets.

Haha, like it's really that big of a deal.

I tweet and Facebook enough to satisfy people's updating needs, because no one complains about this being almost a month and a half late. 

As for October, we have resumed classes and stuff at the Highbury Centre. My bed here is absolutely awesome. I adore it. We've seen Warhorse, which was a stunning production. I sat next to BNaylor, who is a horse back rider so I knew she'd love this and would be an awesome person to sit with. 

AND I WAS RIGHT.

We've also seen Much Ado About Nothing, set in India, as part of the World Shakespeare Festival. We also saw a sketchy pub production Great Expectations, where a real spider crawled across my face.

  NOT COOL.

I think I am due to update my celebrity counter too!

My celebrity tally:

1. Alfie Enoch (5 times....seriously?)
2. Three Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers
3. Destinee Hooker
4. Michael Ball
5. Imelda Staunton
6. Luke Brady
7. Jamie Parker
8. Simon Russell Beale
9. Fionna Shaw
10. Russel Brand
11. Ginger Spice
12. Stunt double for Timothy Spall
13. The cast of the Shipwreck trilogy for the RSC
14. CHRIS PINE.
15. The understudy for Stanley Stubbers in One Man, Two Guvnors. I forgot his name. Don't judge me.
16. Owain Arthur

Celebrities on my list:

1. Fionna Shaw
2. Arthur Darvill
3. Matt Lewis
4. Mark Rylance
5. Stephen Fry
6. Samuel Barnett

    In other updating news, my sister left recently. She visited me for a week and it was a marvelous time. I really miss her, I really miss home, I miss my cat, my parents, grandparents, friends, not living out of suitcases....the simple things in life, haha. I cried a lot when she left, it was kinda a hot mess. But she got to go to Paris for a day, see all the major London sights, and we went to Edinburgh, Scotland for an entire day and had a most wonderful time together. 

It's funny, I was told things would slow down after the ten day trip.

HAH.

I laugh in the face of that statement.

Things fly at high speed here, I think time moves faster...but I could be wrong. It's been known to happen once or twice. 

   We go to Wales this coming weekend, which should be fun. Then Megan Moran, my long lost ginger twin cousin, is coming to visit the weekend after, then we go to Paris where I hopefully will see her again and Matt, then the program only has two weeks till I go home.

November 17th, 7:30 pm.

I come in like, 34 days. 

WHERE HAS TIME GONE???

time, what're you doing? 

time...

TIME.

STOP.

   I won't lie...going home will be nice. I miss my friends from home, I miss the theatre, I miss acting and being involved, I miss Charity, I miss cooking, I miss baking, I miss my parents and grandparents, I miss smothering the hell out of my cat, I miss sleeping in, I miss Brooke, I just...miss. I miss a lot. So much missing, 34 days until I stop. But I bet you money then I'll miss London.

I know I'll miss it here. I love it.

   Despite all those things I miss, I absolutely adore this experience and everything that I am experiencing here. It makes me long so much for my future and what God has planned for me. Hopefully it is a good performance master's degree at a great school where I'll perform all the time and get magnificent and be able to go and be successful. Maybe some marriage and other stuff thrown in there... I should just focus on tomorrow, live one moment at a time.

In this moment, sleep calls to me. 

Goodnight room Goodnight room

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

Goodnight light and the red balloon

Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens and Goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

Goodnight little house and Goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb and Goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody Goodnight mush

And Goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight stars Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere

Why, oh, why would I want to be anywhere else?

Hey, remember that one time I told you I was awful at keeping up with blogging?

You don't?

Well. I'm awful at keeping up with blogging.

If you think this is bad, you should have seen me yesterday. I was VERY behind in my journals...so there's that. BUT I am all caught up, therefore prepared for class.

Of course when I was most prepared for class with everything...it didn't matter. Booooo.

Anyway, Hi. I'm Alyssa. I am in London. I don't want to leave. But I do. Ahhhh, inner conflict.

I'm sorry for being to scatter brained...sometimes I trail off and just talk about the most random things. My thoughts are kinda everywhere right now, but it is 10 something in the morning so I feel like I'm allowed to be a little scattered.

If you don't think so, then boo on you.

Boo is my word for the day.

Not really, I've only said it a couple times

Okay, time to focus and make a little more sense.

Welcome! Bienvenidos! Bonjour! (I am so cultured, you can tell by the three languages I used.) I am loving London. Here is a list of things we've done/seen:

• We saw A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Open Air Theatre, it was a modern imterpretation set in the world of Travelers, like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, SO. COOL. AND FUNNY.
• Went to the Imperial War Museum.
• Spent the day at the Olympic Park
• Met three Male Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers (that Lucas and I hunted down as a team)
• Saw The Trojan War and Agamemnon
• Went to St. Barnabus (Barneys)
• Went to Speakers Corner, which is where people get up on their soap boxes and preach their message about whatever they want to preach about. People get really heated but it is such an exciting experience!
• Toured the BBC, which was super cool awesome!
• Went to Wesley Chapel, where John Wesley started his ministry and lived and was buried. We also talked to Lord Reverend Leslie Griffith...so that's kinda wicked awesome.
• Saw London Road and the National Theatre, GOOD MORNING WELCOME. WELCOME. youautomaticallythinkitcouldbehimHAHA.
• Toured Parliament and educated myself about all those British aspects of government. 
• Saw The Revenger's Tragedy at a pub! Pub theatre = super interesting and cool.
• Attended a church service at Hillsong.
• MET DESTINEE HOOKER FROM THE WOMEN'S USA VOLLEYBALL TEAM. And I got to see her giant silver medal, in person, with my eyes.
• MET IMELDA STAUNTON AND MICHAEL BALL WHEN ME, SAM, DILLON, AND KENDALL SAW SWEENEY TODD.

Those are all the highlights...kinda. A lot has happened since I last posted, but it's all been great! You know what else is great? How attractive this country is. Olivia, a friend on the trip, says I have a super power. This super power is that I attract men, all men no matter what they are doing (like actors in shows that make sexy eyes at me...) and I have the talent for finding famous people. If they are male, they will be attractive. So...there you go. I'm a super hero. So far my super power has gotten me 6 famous people and lots of cat calls. I don't enjoy the latter part much because it's creepy.

How did I get on that tangent? Oh, yes. We'll blame Olivia...shhh, don't tell her. 

Well, I think that's enough recap. I'll try to be better about posting but I can't make any promises. I should have lots to say at the end of the week, we're seeing Henry V and Timon of Athens AND taking a tour of the Globe...so, I'll probably have a theatre geek out moment. 

On a note about Olivia, she has a vlog. For those of you who don't live and breath the internet, it's like a blog but a video instead. It's much cooler than reading! This is the link to the first video:

Click me, Click me!!!!

Something you will find as a theme in her vlogs, as more start to appear, is that she always catches me eating. Basically, it's the sexiest thing you've ever seen. I don't understand how I'm single, to be honest. I am just the most attractive lady around town. ESPECIALLY when I'm eating, I mean other people look awful but I make it...hot. (I laughed when I wrote this, laughed real hard.) 

I think I've punished you enough...if you've even made it this far in reading. You probably stopped...but feel free to comment if you didn't! Or ask questions! Or something...! 

These are my confessions....

As I am going to assume you know...I leave for my London Semester on July 28th.

That's in like...eleven days.
Eleven days.
Eleven.
Days.
11.

damn.

I have slowly been realizing that I will be leaving and that has been causing me some anxiety. Okay, not just some. It's actually a lot. This is going to be a trip where I will be experiencing a series of firsts.
Such as:
- First time living with a room mate
- First time living in a dorm situation
- First time away from home for more than a week
- First time traveling without my parents
- First time traveling outside of the country

You see now why I am so anxious. I know what some people might be thinking, "You're gonna have the time of your life, don't worry!" or "You will be having such a great time, you'll forget to be anxious!!!" or anything that is similar. I agree that eventually I will have a ton of fun and I will move on from my anxiousness and sadness. But that moment hasn't come yet, and right now I am full of many emotions. I can attribute most of this to the fact that I will really miss my parents. I have lived with them all my life, I never had the "going away to college" separation thing because I live at home, and I get to see them everyday.

I am especially close to my dad. If you have ever seen us or hung out with us together, then you know that we are two peas in one crazy pod. We always have fun and joke around. He is a great role model for what I should look for in a future husband, he is always there for me, he helps me grow and overcome problems, and loves me unconditionally. I love love love love love my dad. He is my rock and I thank God every day that he gave me such an awesome dad. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without my dad. All of this being said, he is one of the main reasons I am so sad to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO DAMN EXCITED. But at the same time, I am so sad to be away from my dad for four and half months. I love him and he keeps me sane. I know he is only a Skype call away but I am so used to just walking into the other room and having him there that I don't know how I will handle myself when I'm there for awhile. My dad not only loves me unconditionally, but he also helps me handle things that I go through. Like I said, I am so incredibly blessed.

While I've been experiencing this sadness and anxiety, I've been randomly crying. It happens whenever I am hanging out with my dad and we mention missing each other, London, me leaving, or anything that remotely triggers me thinking about any of those things. It's gotten pretty bad to where I will just sit and sob and think about how much I miss him, even though I haven't left yet. This may sound childish to some people, but they can suck it. And I know that part of it is that I'm scared.

Scared. Anxious. Sad. Nervous. Excited.
Those are the main emotions I am feeling and they are very powerful. I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy my eleven days (HOLY BALLS) and pray that God keeps me safe and panic attack free. Because I definitely am on edge all day every day for awhile.


The summary of this post:
1. I leave in ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS.
2. I love my dad.
3. I will miss my dad.
4. I spontaneously will cry if I think about it, so I'm sorry.
5. I am very excited, do not think that I am not.
6. I leave in 11 days. holy crap.
7. HOLY CRAP.
8. I will also be missing all of my friends.
9. Please pray for me, I will need lots of it!
10. WISH ME LUCK.

I can't promise I will blog before I leave, my life is about to get ridiculous in the next ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS. But, I may. So, you know...keeps your eyes peeled!

CHEERIO!

No porcupines.

I had a post lined up with a recap since my last post, with updates and all sorts of fun things. That post is currently sitting in my drafts, mocking me with its gleeful nature. The reason I didn't post that blog is because I'm not very cheerful. I'm not filled with happiness and I'm not doing okay. Those that are rather close to me know that the past couple months, particularly the past three weeks, have been some of the most difficult for me. I have most definitely not had an easy time, and it's been maybe the roughest time in my life in awhile.


My great Uncle Don died the Sunday of the week before finals. His memorial service was the Monday of finals week. I had to miss most of it because I had a final and my professor was not very compassionate about letting me leave. So, I missed the majority of his funeral and was suppressing the grief that I was experiencing. I didn't have time to mourn his death, I had finals. I had to get through the week and then, maybe I could feel again.


I went about rather numbly from then on, faking most emotions. It was hard for me to feel anything. I had hidden my heart away for two weeks, and I was scared to let it out again. However, I was kind of forced to because soon after school was over I experienced death once again.


My friend Raegan Pratt passed away early on a Thursday morning. She fell asleep and never woke up. Raegan had been struggling with serious, and ultimately fatal, kidney failure since she was in high school. But, like a super trooper, she managed to not only do the normal high school activities but also graduate college with not just one but two bachelor's degrees. I saw her at graduation. We joked and laughed, planning on seeing each other this summer and celebrate our birthdays since they were so close. I'm still struggling with the idea of having lost her, even after attending her memorial service. The same goes with my Uncle, none of it feels quite real. But the pain is real. The loss is real. It's all agonizingly real and not real at the same time. 


On top of this, I've been experiencing some other turmoil with people in my life. People who say wicked things and make fun of some serious things that I go through. People who will do anything to control a situation, even if it means ripping me apart. People who know what to say to bring me to my knees.


My goal for the summer before I leave for London is to weed these people out. They're poisonous. Hazardous. Wicked. Mean. Vengeful. Hurtful. I do not need people like that in my life, I have enough to worry about and having to be concerned whether or not a friend is going to be rude or a jerk is NOT something I need or want. I am looking for a clean slate, one that doesn't involve prickly people. My dad taught me a metaphor. He said that there are some people in the world who a porcupines, they will prick you and hurt you. They will not let you get close and when they do get close to you, they hurt you. He told me you never have to have porcupines in your life, ever. So, I don't want porcupines.


I only want people in my life who can be open with me and honest. People who won't be passive aggressive, or lie to me. I want people who will love me and comfort me, people who will hold me when I am down and lift me up. People who will show me God's unconditional love, not the Devil's evil ways. These are the people I want and need, the people I love and cherish, and I am thankful that I have some in my life. Unfortunately, I also have some who aren't and those who aren't have become more and more apparent in my life.


That is why it's time to clean up my life.


My request to my friends and those who think they are my friends...be honest with me. If you're mad, tell me and we can work through it. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense, we can work through it. If you're sad or upset with me, tell me and we can work through it. I can't read minds and won't attempt to assume what is going on, I'm no good at it. Holding it in only harms us both, so why punish yourself by not speaking up?


I've made this request known many a times, but it felt like the right time to make it known again. Because communication is key for me, and if we can't talk about something or work through it then our friendship could very well end up over, despite how close we thought we were.


There's a song I sang in my Musical Theatre class and it really speaks it to me. 
This is the song.
If you don't want to listen to the song, here are the lyrics. It's from the musical 13:


"A friends not a cheap little phony creep
Or a jerk trying to make a deal
A friend is a person who, most of all,
Cares about what you feel;
And nothing is harder
Than learning a friend isnt real

A friend sends notes back and forth all day
And doesnt care that you cant spell
A friend knows youve got a crush on your teacher,
But a friend would never tell
A friends outside waiting
The minute you both hear the bell

And if your heart is always breaking
Cause the world is just not fair
When you're at your worst
Your friends the first one there
Giving you something to lean on
And that's what it means to be a friend

A friend wont smoke when shes in your room
Or laugh at the poems you write
A friend wont go start kissing your brother
The minute that you're out of sight
A friend is the person
You call sixteen times every night

And if your heart is always breaking
And you want to run and hide
When your hope is gone
Your friend is on your side

If someone moves in round the corner
And you want to show him you care
So you give him all your last month of vacation
And all of the time you can spare
But then, on the first day of classes
He acts like you're not even there,
Then he doesn't know
He doesn't know!
Hell never know what it means
To be a friend"


Just remember what it means to be a friend and do be a good friend to the people you care about. And if you don't want to be friends with someone, tell them. What's the use in being around someone if you don't like them? 


Food for thought.