I promise it was for a good reason, I really do. It was mostly I got caught up with school and then I had a tragedy that no one saw coming.
On May 6th, 2013 my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. A week after he had graduated from the University of Florida with his Bachelor's degree.
I've been dealing with the death of my brother on top of trying to not let his death swallow me whole, which has been a battle. It's really hard not to just let it eat you alive and wallow in a pit of sorrow. Because sometimes that's what feels good, to be miserable. Sometimes you just want to feel hurt and sadness and you love to kick yourself for the things you didn't do because for some reason you like to make yourself suffer.
My dad calls it adding pain to your suffering.
I can't explain why that feels good. It doesn't feel good all the time, but it does sometimes. It probably sounds super twisted, but whatever. Maybe it's a sympathy thing. Perhaps if I hurt enough someone will try and pull me out of it and show me they care. Perhaps someone will just pay attention to me because I'm sad and reassure me that he did love me or that he was proud of me.
Sometimes it feels good to ignore it though, to pretend like it hasn't happened. Because then I can be ignorantly happy for a little and not be worried about turning into a sobbing mess when someone mentions a topic remotely related to the trauma.
Sometimes I have a really good balance of emotions and can get through a whole week without feeling overwhelmed or depressed. I love those weeks, they make me really happy because I know they're signs of hope and potential closure.
I know that being sad and grieving is something I need to do to, which is why I don't do the "ignorance is bliss" thing very often. I know that sadness is also a milestone, so I try to equally accept those feelings like I do the happiness. You don't get to pick and choose, unfortunately. I think if I was happy all the time people would be equally as concerned if I was deeply depressed all the time.
I think one of the hardest part isn't my own personal grief, but the way this tragedy has affected other people in my life and ultimately how they take this experience and apply it to others. It's hard. Grieving is very hard and I think death is difficult, predicted or not, because you are losing someone you love.
So, what now?
Well...that's a good question.
I mean, really only time will heal this wound and take away the pain. Time and God, a'course. Someday it won't feel like someone just punched me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. Someday it won't be hard to find motivation to do things my brother taught me to do or that I associate heavily with him. Someday I will be able to drive in my car and not burst into tears when I see a random motorcycle. This stuff isn't constant, but it happens sometimes and someday it won't be as often. I look forward to that because I know I'll be there one day. Luckily, my dad (with guidance from God) has been able to help me realize all this.
People think it's weird when I praise God, especially when I describe all of the above to them. But I know that there is this plan that I just can't see because He's totally in control. I mean, I don't realize it all the time or I'd probably be a super star or something. But I realize it often enough that it is one of the things that guides me through this time of my life. That and my dad. Shout out to the Lord for making him my dad because that was a great thing. Because with God's help and the help of my dad, I've realized something.
One day the sting won't be as bad.
What I need from those around me is love and comfort and prayer. Or positive thoughts, if you don't believe in prayer or God. I need people who love me, care about me, and want to support me. I need people who will support me when I am at my best and when I am at my worst. I need people I can trust. I need people who are willing to listen and only listen or who can just be there with me, even if no one says a thing. I need patience, because I'm not always on top of it. I need forgiveness, because I'm going to mess up and lash out. I need mercy and grace and compassion. I need people to be able to not reroute the conversation and make it about them. I need sympathy and understanding.
I know I need a lot, but I promise I give too. I won't suck you dry and I don't expect people to just constantly be giving to me, because you have needs too. Compassion fatigue is a real thing that I totally understand because it happens to everyone.
I guess I am letting my needs and wants be known because then there's no confusion. I am saying it, here and now what I need and what I'm experiencing on a daily basis. Moment to moment.
In a single moment, I can go from smiling to experiencing severe sadness because that's where I'm at.
That doesn't sound fun, I realize, but death changes things a lot and finding a new "normal" and new routine is something I'm working on. Normal from before is no longer normal and the way I did things, thought about things, or said things isn't the same either.
All I'm saying, really, is this is me. This is where I am. This is a glimpse into understanding what I am experiencing behind my curly hair and glasses. If you have questions, feel free to comment or ask me in person or through whatever means we interact. If you have no questions, then coolio.
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