I am so tired of having to over justify myself when it comes to any topic that is branded as feminism. This includes sexual assault, harassment of all kinds, sexism...you name it. I am tired of assumptions being made without leg work being put in.
It's okay not to know answers, because I definitely don't have all the answers. I am all about having discussions and dialogues about these topics and others. But I want to have intelligent discussions. I want to have discussions where I feel like the other person has at least looked into the topic before making assumptions or generalizations.
You're probably wondering where this is coming from, because it seems a bit random out of context. Facebook. Facebook brought this on. Time and time again I am baited by posts that concern feminism and, because of my passion for the topic, I bite. I sink my teeth in and am often horrified at the taste that fills my mouth.
"This post about rape statistics seem extreme. It's probably click bait."
"I know she has a boyfriend, that doesn't mean I can't flirt with her. She's hot."
"A real women doesn't wear make-up! A real woman has curves!"
"What was she wearing? Because I bet that is why that happened."
You have got to be kidding me, guys. I am so tired of seeing stuff like this. Stop cutting other women down, stop shaming and blaming victims, stop justifying sexist behavior, stop assuming that because something doesn't fit within your world view that it can't be true. We have this magical website called Google. If you've not used it before, go on and click the hyper link and it will take you to this wonderful search engine. This is where you can go to learn things and search through sources to form opinions.
I got baited again in the wee hours of the night time. I knew that it would be foolish to engage. I was tired, which does not make for good impulse control or emotional regulation. However, I was so tempted that I bit. Immediately, I was filled with the satisfaction of a well phrased and informed counter-argument.
Soon the delicious taste dissolved when there was a rebuttal. The person was defensive from previous responses and was already on edge. Defensive comments were thrown, no real dialogue happening. In that moment, I realized that I had worked really hard to share my perspective and feelings to get shut down. It was perceived that I insulted their intelligence, which was not my intent, and therefore my argument deemed invalid.
Online you can't read tone of voice or body language. Your brain fills in the signals it doesn't get. I have very little control over the way your brain narrates this blog post, for example. I can use punctuation! I can use textual effects...But the control I have over your perceptions is highly limited. You could read this with an angry English accent, and I would be none the wiser.
The Internet is funny business...I mean, I wrote a whole play about what funny business it is so I guess it isn't shocking that I think that. I also find it exhausting. Anyone who knows me knows that me and my phone are in a co-dependent relationship. I need to use it, it needs me to use it, and everyone is happy with it.
Until I got sucked into this trap.
The trap, which was never meant to be a trap, really made me realize how little I get back from certain interactions. Thus I have written a letter to my long time beau, Facebook.
Dearest Facebook,
We have been together for a couple of years now. You've seen me through high school awkward phases, break-ups, embarrassing chats to all sorts of people, losses, college, moving to England, and everything in between and beyond. You've helped me stay in touch with friends who are over 3,000 miles away. You helped me rekindle friendships. You've helped me document life events. You have allowed for me to find articles, videos, photos, and groups that I couldn't have found without you. You truly have done a lot.
It's time I am honest with you. For all the good you do, you tire me out. The very nature of your existence means spending time online. I have found that sometimes people seem to only be interested in fighting online, putting others down to their face or behind their back, and not actually listening to others. You're full of so much clutter and hatred and defensive behavior that I wish I didn't need you to stay in contact with people. You exhaust me. You give me opportunities that then make my brain buzz until I am up at 3am writing you a letter. You have a lot of power and I hate that.
I know you don't mean it, because you really can't do anything about how people use you. You try, which is nice. Even with your best intentions you don't do well. Remember that article with the image of the naked little girl from the Vietnam war that you censored because nudity is not allowed what-so-ever? Remember the controversy that caused? Or how female breasts are not okay, but shirtless men are fine? You try. I know you do. It's hard to do the right thing when you let algorithms do the work instead of people, though even people will make mistakes.
I just...I think I need some space. Of course, this is on me. It really is me, not you. You're a complex piece of software that I shouldn't even be writing a letter to because you're not sentient. If you are, then I have bigger issues to address.
Either way, this is the deal. I am gonna take some space. Some much needed distancing and lack of dependence on you. I will use you as I feel necessary, and it'll be hard because habits don't die easily. I know this will be good, for the both of us. I'll learn to value you more when you do good and be less bogged down when it all goes to hell.
Now you know what's on my mind,
Alyssa
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