Word Barf.

You may or may have realized that I am not too swift with this. I mean, I think I am....then I'm not.
Not like you care much, or else you'd gripe. With the lack of gripes, I assume you've moved on or are a non-existent being. Neither is re-assuring.

Bonus fact: Summer is coming and I leave for London in July.
Sad fact: I may or may not have opened my heart too quickly to someone.

I realized recently that I can sometimes like people too much, romantically and normally. I blame this on my strong sense of Woo, since that's my first strength. I want to be liked, want to win others over, and I want to like people. Those close to me know this, although I complain about the masses (in my defense, people are oblivious sometimes and irritating. I admit to being one of these people, so call me a hypocrite if you'd like).

Anyway, this strong sense of Woo leads me often to trust people too quickly. Trusting them causes me to subconsciously open my heart to them, even if they don't know. It's my own fault, I know. I often realize when it's too late, when my head is barely a float in the friendship (or worse, relationship). Luckily, more often than not, I make a wonderful friend who cares about me and loves me. Then there's the one...the one that brings me completely under the water and holds me down as long as they can until I lose consciousness. It's probably the most frightening thing to experience, and realizing one of the people you thought was a friend is actually this person is right up there as one of the top most terrible experiences I have ever had to go through.

I'm not sure I am going through one of those drowning experiences now...at least, not yet. I am just realizing that people aren't always who you paint them to be. There will always be something you don't like, something that can come up that will hurt you because people are full of sin and aren't perfect. This doesn't make it hurt less when someone betrays you or makes you trust them less because of their behavior. It usually hurts the same, and sometimes worse. I find myself re-evaluating the people in my life and how important they are to my life, as well as whether or not they deserve to be in it.

I'm also afraid of letting anyone new into my life. I realize that thinking a friendship through so much seems... obsessive. There is a method to my madness, I desire to save my heart more damage. Especially if a friendship leads to more. My mind is a complex web right now.

I diverged from my original path slightly. I'm just scared that I'm going to let myself get hurt here again. Curse my inner Woo, wanting all those things without any discretion for my little heart. Lots of things have happened since my last post, lots of relationships with people changing and what not.

I honestly don't remember my original point, but it felt nice to share my spontaneous thoughts with the fictitious beings that I fool myself into thinking read this. You're all such a wonderful audience. I think it's time for me to start trusting God more and put my woes onto him, because I don't think I can carry them around much on my own anymore.

Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”