All I do is complain...

Doesn't it feel that way?

I start out complaining, and then I find resolution somehow through ranting. Today, I do not feel like much resolution is going to happen. I really don't know what I want to say either, which is frustrating. I am at a loss for words, and not in a good way. I am speechless for all the stupid and wrong reasons, at least in my mind. I can't even verbalize my issue without being too revealing for my taste. Let me try and do this and make sense of it, though feel free to bare with me because this could get confusing and messy.

So, if you go back a couple posts you'll find that I feared I opened my heart too quickly. And then a post or two later, I talked about being disappointed with the behavior of certain people. Somewhere in there I also was irritated about people that couldn't make up their minds. This is another installment of those kind of things, but in a more pathetic girl way.

I definitely don't know what is happening to me, haha. My brain cannot function normally anymore. I get so nervous to the point where I can only be sassy, and it is so stupid because that is NOT my goal. I am not aiming to be rude or push anyone away, but there I go...relentlessly sassing it up. My brain shuts down, tells me "Peace out!", and I am on my own. I don't know if you've ever been in that place, but it is so disturbingly uncomfortable that you start to panic a little.

Panic, panic, panic, panic, panic....sassy attitude. The best part is that it isn't a cute sassy attitude, it is the sassiest kind of sass.

Every time. I never fail to be sassy, but I fail miserably to flirt or even be kind. I don't know why. I lie. I do know why, I know exactly the reason why I act this way. I do it because I don't want to come off too strong, I don't want to come off to desperate or too excited because God forbid anyone ever show their real emotions without scaring people because they feel something. Despite my big bark about talking the talk, I can hardly bite into it and walk the walk.

I just...I wish that it was as easy as Romantic Comedies make it out to seem. But it isn't, because I don't have award winning script writers writing my life. I have God writing out my path, which is much better. I just wish that He could write it my way and at my speed. I've been told it doesn't work that way, so I guess I'm stuck.

If anyone could teach me how to flirt, that'd be cool.
You'd think as an actress I'd be able to harness all my nervous energy and do something with it, like be cute.
Hahaha. That'd be too easy.
Maybe I should try it out as an acting exercise...no strings attached and heart put aside.
Then again, that's me assuming that I am capable of thinking straight.
Augh.