I got mad. I got really mad. I got so mad that I was blind with fury and for the following twenty minutes could not think about anything else except that thing that made me mad. I was livid, I had to move my hands constantly because of the irritation that was swallowing me whole.
I could have been the HULK. No one likes the Hulk...ever.
Then I felt it. That swallowing feeling, the feeling that I was losing myself in my anger and being consumed by my emotions. My anger went to fear, because when I'm in that place I sometimes lash out and hurt those I love. Luckily, I pulled myself out of it before I lashed out. I realize that I can hurt people just as much as they hurt me. I'm not this poor little girl who always gets hurt or is made into the victim, sometimes I am the big bad wolf blowing people down.
These realizations, which I've before but thought I rectified, keep me in line. I pray about it and ask God for guidance. I need to be the kind of person that I want to see in others. This means actively being kind, merciful, forgiving, and cheerful instead of rude, mean, vicious, calloused, and vengeful. I don't think I'm always those last few but I know that sometimes, when the conditions blend in a certain way, I can be the kind of person that can make God's heart ache.
When I was sitting at home, still brewing in my frustration, I was letting it take the best of me. I let it cover me and I honestly didn't recognize myself. I had to stop, breath deeply, pray, cry a little, and let God take it from me. I'm working on trusting Him more, I keep thinking I'm independent of Him but I'm not. I need Him. I have to have Him help me or I am going to fumble, fall, and fail.
I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you and never apologized for it. I'm sorry for my vicious attitude. I'm sorry for the words I use as weapons. I'm sorry that I can be self centered. I'm sorry that I'm so sarcastic that it is hurtful. I'm sorry that I gossip. I'm sorry that I can be impatient with people. I'm sorry I let my sin consume me.
Hey God, I've got more burdens for You to take. Lots of them. Only You can help me, I need You to be the focus of my life again. I tried being the focus and I crashed and burned. Give me guidance. Give me patience. Give me kindness. Give me love. Give me the fruits of the Spirit.
Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
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