Attitude of Gratitude in the Season of Giving

grat·i·tude  

/ˈgratəˌt(y)o͞od/

Noun The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Synonyms gratefulness - thankfulness - thanks - appreciation

Sometimes I'm ungrateful. I'm human, so it happens. But there are times where I will feel like I am owed something more, like I deserve better. I usually snap out of it pretty quick because my dad did not raise me that way and usually that only comes out around him. I just get so absorbed in me and believing I am the center of the universe. When I think about how I can get, I'm pretty ashamed. No one likes anyone who is ungrateful for their life and the blessings they have.

If you read my last post, I briefly mentioned that I was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver and that God really was the reason that situation didn't end with a funeral. A lot of people don't know all the details of my accident because I don't like to make a big deal out of it because:

1. I'm not dead.
2. I'm not terribly wounded.

At least, on the outside.

You see, when I got into that accident I had made a split second decision that ultimately saved my life and potentially two other lives. If I hadn't switched lanes to avoid the much thicker part of the pole, my tiny low to the ground car would have rolled. Physics was not on my side and my car would have rolled right on top of the totaled drunk driver's car. This means both myself and the two idiots in the other car could cease to exist.

Every once in awhile I think about how I decided to move over into the other lane right before the impact and how lucky I was that I collided with the smaller part of the huge lamp post instead of the other thicker part. (Except when my injuries flare up, then I usually just get grumpy) I think:
"How in the world did I calmly handle this situation when I have so many anxiety issues? How did I do that and call 911 without having a panic attack? How did I do that while I couldn't breath?"

The only answer I have come up with is that God had my back. And front, and sides. He put his hand on me and guided me through one of the most traumatic events of my life. There was a lot less I in that situation and a lot more Him. On my left wrist, I have a tattoo. If you didn't know that...well, surprise! In the tattoo, it has the verse Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."

I was clothed that night by God.

Back to being grateful....since my accident, I've been having a rough time. I'm still trying to find my place here after being in England for four months and the accident really kicked up a lot of issues for me, on top of some family stuff that's been going on with my grandparents.

Yesterday my dad came up to me after my grandpa decided for Christmas he'd pay for the damage done to my car so that I can drive my car. He reminded me that I am so blessed and lucky to have the love and gifts that my grandparents give me because it wasn't always this way.

I really got to thinking about how TRULY BLESSED I am.

I have friends who love me and are there for me when I need them. Especially with coming back to San Diego and after my accident, they were on it like white on rice. I am so thankful for them. Having that rock there to support you when things get tough is good because then you know that they will comfort you after you fall and will help you back up.

I have a loving family. Every family has issues, granted, but when it gets down to it...my family has supported me so much. They made sure I could go to England, that I have everything I need, that I am provided for and encouraged, but most importantly....they love me.

I'm alive. It may seem silly to you if you think my accident wasn't that bad, but it could have been MUCH worse had I not made that split second decision and if God hadn't kept me the calmest I've ever been. God has this super cool plan for me; I know this because there have been quite a few near death experiences and I am alive to prove that it is not quite my time. In this, I have to remember to live my life gratefully because I have SO many blessings in my life. I mean, HELLO. I studied in London for four months. 

TALK ABOUT BEING BLESSED! AMIRIGHT!?

I just hope that I can keep up this attitude of gratitude because feeling entitled and acting bratty is not cute and people generally don't like it. I especially feel like this was placed on my heart considering the season we are in. Christmas has really become a consumerist holiday. A holiday about me, me, me, me. "What am I going to get?" "I want this. I want that. Gimme gimme gimme."

I know not everyone thinks of Christmas that way, and that's good. I'm not bashing gifts either. Gifts rock. Just remember that you are wealthier than most people in the world and if you didn't get the new iPod touch or iPhone or whatever it is because your -insert product here- is outdated or lame...maybe you should rethink throwing a tantrum about it and be happy that you can celebrate this holiday.

I wish we were a society of gratefulness instead of selfishness. I wish that was valued more than possessions. I know this post won't magically change the world, I just hope that it resonates with someone because these are things that have truly been on my mind.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm grateful for you, my friends, my family, my cat, my home, the fact that we have food, and most of all, my life. I hope you have a most wonderful holiday season and that you try can see the blessings in your life. I know that I'm not perfect and am not always grateful, but it's kinda been my mission to make sure that I do that. I wish it didn't take a traumatic event for me to realize it, but it's time to just live in gratitude instead of entitlement.

Happiness Missed This Train Today...

It is currently three in the morning.
The minutes will tick by, and I will be sitting here criss-cross-apple sauce on the conference room floor.
I will be sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I will be sitting here with mountains of work to do.
I will be sitting here tired.
I will be sitting here emotionally spent.
I will be sitting here anxious.
I will be sitting here sore.
I will be sitting here.
I will be sitting.
Sitting. Sitting. Sitting.

This is clearly not an uplifting post, but I'm tired and needed to vent some before I got back to writing one of my papers. I'm just...spent.
I'm butter in the bottom of the tub that just isn't quite enough for your toast.
Too thin.
Too little.
Not enough.
Inadequate.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm weak. I'm broken.
Right now, I need God more than ever before.
I suppose we say that often though, "I need God more than I ever have ever before this moment in crisis which won't seem that bad when I look back on it." I know I say it often.
I ache for my bed and for peace of mind.
And for maybe there to be less homework assigned. That'd be nice. A fat chance, but it'd be nice.

I don't know my purpose for this post, other than to just feel weak and accept it. I'll be better in the morning, when I'm no longer sitting and sitting and sitting. At least...that's what I hope.
3:03am. Three minute blog post of absolutely no substance. Amazing.

Pray for me.

ALL THE APOLOGIES!

Blogging is clearly not my forte, guys.

  We do so much here and ball so hard that I barely have time to sleep.
But actually...I went to bed at 3:30am yesterday, then woke up 3.5 hours later. That's awesome, right?

YAY HOMEWORK FOR DAYS.

And weeks...

And months...

And years...

And lifetimes...

       Okay, I'm being melo-dramatic but I had to emphasize all the time we spend doing homework. And somehow, some way...we are supposed to go out and see the city? Oh please, what do I look like? A magician? I'M NOT. The only solution I have found to doing homework, getting it done on time, and seeing the city is to sacrifice sleep.
In the words of my fellow London mates, "YOILO" <---for you ignorant fools, it is You're Only In London Once. This statement is not exactly true, but you know what...leave us alone. Stop being a stickler!

Wanna know what's awkward? 

THE GAPS BETWEEN THIS POST AND MY LAST BLOG POST.

I am so sorry.

   I've been busy, no one nags at me about posting, and insert all my other excuses.

I'm out seeing the city of London!

Yeah, that's what I'm doing!

Don't judge me.

So...I have a lot of catching up to do, haha. Awkward.

Let's see, we can start with September...

SEPTEMBER

We did Hamlet stuff, including a group class and seeing the production. Laertes...well, hello. ;)
We saw One Man, Two Guvnors. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND HILARIOUS. I LOVED THIS.
We also had a huge birthday party, it was pretty baller. There's video evidence of it somewhere, just blame Olivia. It was so much fun and competitive and fattening and delightful
Andrew Fowble went to Spain, but no one cares.
We also saw the best play of the semester: Troilus and Cressida. So....good? Well, not really.
But actually, this play was really, really, really...not good. I can't even pretend it was any good. I don't even know how to describe this show. It was an odd production.
The next thing we did was go to the Paralympics. No biggie, right?

HUGE BIGGIE.

We saw Doctor's Dilemma at the National Theatre.
We saw my most favorite Shakespeare production at the Globe, Richard III. MARK RYLANCE. AHHHHHHHHH. It was so good.
We had Andy here for a filming weekend, and that was hectic. BUT they recently showed one of the end products in Chapel, it looked awesome, so all our work was fruitful.
Somewhere in this month I went to Spain with Katie Callahan, which was so much fun!
Me encanta Barcelona!
The next big thing we did was go on our ten day UK exploration. We went to:

1. Bath
1. Went to the Roman Baths.
2. Bizzare Bath comedy walk, so hilarious. Noel did it so it was originally hilarious. He reminded me a lot of the comedy in One Man, Two Guvnors.
2. Liverpool
1. We went to a Catholic Cathedral.
2. Andrew Fowble: "LIIIIIIVVVEEEERRRRPOOOOOOOOL"
3. Deep conversations, affirmation circles, biggest hot chocolate in the world, ex-boyfriend stories inspiring Olivia. 
4. RAIN. RAIN FOR DAYS.
3. Chester
1. I have no comment. Olivia, Savannah, and I buckled under pressure and had Starbucks. DON'T JUDGE US. Everything dies at 5pm, especially on a Sunday. Laaaaaaamesst medieval town ever. 
4. Stratford Upon Avon: (SUA)
1. Here we saw Comedy of Errors, Twelfth Night, and The Tempest. I met the cast. I died. I loved it. I could have lived in the Royal Shakespeare Company, I really could have. 
2. We went to Warwick Castle.
3. Saw Shakespeare's birthplace and Anne Hathway's cottage. There was a kitty, and I loved it. Then there was Bubbles, the cat, who followed me for quite some time. 

The ten day trip was...interesting. The beds got better and better, ending with the Bed and Breakfast in SUA being awesome. I got my own bed and everything! sleep. I miss sleep. I should be sleeping now, but I'm writing this so people don't riot in the streets.

Haha, like it's really that big of a deal.

I tweet and Facebook enough to satisfy people's updating needs, because no one complains about this being almost a month and a half late. 

As for October, we have resumed classes and stuff at the Highbury Centre. My bed here is absolutely awesome. I adore it. We've seen Warhorse, which was a stunning production. I sat next to BNaylor, who is a horse back rider so I knew she'd love this and would be an awesome person to sit with. 

AND I WAS RIGHT.

We've also seen Much Ado About Nothing, set in India, as part of the World Shakespeare Festival. We also saw a sketchy pub production Great Expectations, where a real spider crawled across my face.

  NOT COOL.

I think I am due to update my celebrity counter too!

My celebrity tally:

1. Alfie Enoch (5 times....seriously?)
2. Three Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers
3. Destinee Hooker
4. Michael Ball
5. Imelda Staunton
6. Luke Brady
7. Jamie Parker
8. Simon Russell Beale
9. Fionna Shaw
10. Russel Brand
11. Ginger Spice
12. Stunt double for Timothy Spall
13. The cast of the Shipwreck trilogy for the RSC
14. CHRIS PINE.
15. The understudy for Stanley Stubbers in One Man, Two Guvnors. I forgot his name. Don't judge me.
16. Owain Arthur

Celebrities on my list:

1. Fionna Shaw
2. Arthur Darvill
3. Matt Lewis
4. Mark Rylance
5. Stephen Fry
6. Samuel Barnett

    In other updating news, my sister left recently. She visited me for a week and it was a marvelous time. I really miss her, I really miss home, I miss my cat, my parents, grandparents, friends, not living out of suitcases....the simple things in life, haha. I cried a lot when she left, it was kinda a hot mess. But she got to go to Paris for a day, see all the major London sights, and we went to Edinburgh, Scotland for an entire day and had a most wonderful time together. 

It's funny, I was told things would slow down after the ten day trip.

HAH.

I laugh in the face of that statement.

Things fly at high speed here, I think time moves faster...but I could be wrong. It's been known to happen once or twice. 

   We go to Wales this coming weekend, which should be fun. Then Megan Moran, my long lost ginger twin cousin, is coming to visit the weekend after, then we go to Paris where I hopefully will see her again and Matt, then the program only has two weeks till I go home.

November 17th, 7:30 pm.

I come in like, 34 days. 

WHERE HAS TIME GONE???

time, what're you doing? 

time...

TIME.

STOP.

   I won't lie...going home will be nice. I miss my friends from home, I miss the theatre, I miss acting and being involved, I miss Charity, I miss cooking, I miss baking, I miss my parents and grandparents, I miss smothering the hell out of my cat, I miss sleeping in, I miss Brooke, I just...miss. I miss a lot. So much missing, 34 days until I stop. But I bet you money then I'll miss London.

I know I'll miss it here. I love it.

   Despite all those things I miss, I absolutely adore this experience and everything that I am experiencing here. It makes me long so much for my future and what God has planned for me. Hopefully it is a good performance master's degree at a great school where I'll perform all the time and get magnificent and be able to go and be successful. Maybe some marriage and other stuff thrown in there... I should just focus on tomorrow, live one moment at a time.

In this moment, sleep calls to me. 

Goodnight room Goodnight room

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

Goodnight light and the red balloon

Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens and Goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

Goodnight little house and Goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb and Goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody Goodnight mush

And Goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight stars Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere

Why, oh, why would I want to be anywhere else?

Hey, remember that one time I told you I was awful at keeping up with blogging?

You don't?

Well. I'm awful at keeping up with blogging.

If you think this is bad, you should have seen me yesterday. I was VERY behind in my journals...so there's that. BUT I am all caught up, therefore prepared for class.

Of course when I was most prepared for class with everything...it didn't matter. Booooo.

Anyway, Hi. I'm Alyssa. I am in London. I don't want to leave. But I do. Ahhhh, inner conflict.

I'm sorry for being to scatter brained...sometimes I trail off and just talk about the most random things. My thoughts are kinda everywhere right now, but it is 10 something in the morning so I feel like I'm allowed to be a little scattered.

If you don't think so, then boo on you.

Boo is my word for the day.

Not really, I've only said it a couple times

Okay, time to focus and make a little more sense.

Welcome! Bienvenidos! Bonjour! (I am so cultured, you can tell by the three languages I used.) I am loving London. Here is a list of things we've done/seen:

• We saw A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Open Air Theatre, it was a modern imterpretation set in the world of Travelers, like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, SO. COOL. AND FUNNY.
• Went to the Imperial War Museum.
• Spent the day at the Olympic Park
• Met three Male Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers (that Lucas and I hunted down as a team)
• Saw The Trojan War and Agamemnon
• Went to St. Barnabus (Barneys)
• Went to Speakers Corner, which is where people get up on their soap boxes and preach their message about whatever they want to preach about. People get really heated but it is such an exciting experience!
• Toured the BBC, which was super cool awesome!
• Went to Wesley Chapel, where John Wesley started his ministry and lived and was buried. We also talked to Lord Reverend Leslie Griffith...so that's kinda wicked awesome.
• Saw London Road and the National Theatre, GOOD MORNING WELCOME. WELCOME. youautomaticallythinkitcouldbehimHAHA.
• Toured Parliament and educated myself about all those British aspects of government. 
• Saw The Revenger's Tragedy at a pub! Pub theatre = super interesting and cool.
• Attended a church service at Hillsong.
• MET DESTINEE HOOKER FROM THE WOMEN'S USA VOLLEYBALL TEAM. And I got to see her giant silver medal, in person, with my eyes.
• MET IMELDA STAUNTON AND MICHAEL BALL WHEN ME, SAM, DILLON, AND KENDALL SAW SWEENEY TODD.

Those are all the highlights...kinda. A lot has happened since I last posted, but it's all been great! You know what else is great? How attractive this country is. Olivia, a friend on the trip, says I have a super power. This super power is that I attract men, all men no matter what they are doing (like actors in shows that make sexy eyes at me...) and I have the talent for finding famous people. If they are male, they will be attractive. So...there you go. I'm a super hero. So far my super power has gotten me 6 famous people and lots of cat calls. I don't enjoy the latter part much because it's creepy.

How did I get on that tangent? Oh, yes. We'll blame Olivia...shhh, don't tell her. 

Well, I think that's enough recap. I'll try to be better about posting but I can't make any promises. I should have lots to say at the end of the week, we're seeing Henry V and Timon of Athens AND taking a tour of the Globe...so, I'll probably have a theatre geek out moment. 

On a note about Olivia, she has a vlog. For those of you who don't live and breath the internet, it's like a blog but a video instead. It's much cooler than reading! This is the link to the first video:

Click me, Click me!!!!

Something you will find as a theme in her vlogs, as more start to appear, is that she always catches me eating. Basically, it's the sexiest thing you've ever seen. I don't understand how I'm single, to be honest. I am just the most attractive lady around town. ESPECIALLY when I'm eating, I mean other people look awful but I make it...hot. (I laughed when I wrote this, laughed real hard.) 

I think I've punished you enough...if you've even made it this far in reading. You probably stopped...but feel free to comment if you didn't! Or ask questions! Or something...! 

These are my confessions....

As I am going to assume you know...I leave for my London Semester on July 28th.

That's in like...eleven days.
Eleven days.
Eleven.
Days.
11.

damn.

I have slowly been realizing that I will be leaving and that has been causing me some anxiety. Okay, not just some. It's actually a lot. This is going to be a trip where I will be experiencing a series of firsts.
Such as:
- First time living with a room mate
- First time living in a dorm situation
- First time away from home for more than a week
- First time traveling without my parents
- First time traveling outside of the country

You see now why I am so anxious. I know what some people might be thinking, "You're gonna have the time of your life, don't worry!" or "You will be having such a great time, you'll forget to be anxious!!!" or anything that is similar. I agree that eventually I will have a ton of fun and I will move on from my anxiousness and sadness. But that moment hasn't come yet, and right now I am full of many emotions. I can attribute most of this to the fact that I will really miss my parents. I have lived with them all my life, I never had the "going away to college" separation thing because I live at home, and I get to see them everyday.

I am especially close to my dad. If you have ever seen us or hung out with us together, then you know that we are two peas in one crazy pod. We always have fun and joke around. He is a great role model for what I should look for in a future husband, he is always there for me, he helps me grow and overcome problems, and loves me unconditionally. I love love love love love my dad. He is my rock and I thank God every day that he gave me such an awesome dad. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today without my dad. All of this being said, he is one of the main reasons I am so sad to leave.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO DAMN EXCITED. But at the same time, I am so sad to be away from my dad for four and half months. I love him and he keeps me sane. I know he is only a Skype call away but I am so used to just walking into the other room and having him there that I don't know how I will handle myself when I'm there for awhile. My dad not only loves me unconditionally, but he also helps me handle things that I go through. Like I said, I am so incredibly blessed.

While I've been experiencing this sadness and anxiety, I've been randomly crying. It happens whenever I am hanging out with my dad and we mention missing each other, London, me leaving, or anything that remotely triggers me thinking about any of those things. It's gotten pretty bad to where I will just sit and sob and think about how much I miss him, even though I haven't left yet. This may sound childish to some people, but they can suck it. And I know that part of it is that I'm scared.

Scared. Anxious. Sad. Nervous. Excited.
Those are the main emotions I am feeling and they are very powerful. I guess the only thing I can do is enjoy my eleven days (HOLY BALLS) and pray that God keeps me safe and panic attack free. Because I definitely am on edge all day every day for awhile.


The summary of this post:
1. I leave in ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS.
2. I love my dad.
3. I will miss my dad.
4. I spontaneously will cry if I think about it, so I'm sorry.
5. I am very excited, do not think that I am not.
6. I leave in 11 days. holy crap.
7. HOLY CRAP.
8. I will also be missing all of my friends.
9. Please pray for me, I will need lots of it!
10. WISH ME LUCK.

I can't promise I will blog before I leave, my life is about to get ridiculous in the next ELEVEN FREAKING DAYS. But, I may. So, you know...keeps your eyes peeled!

CHEERIO!

No porcupines.

I had a post lined up with a recap since my last post, with updates and all sorts of fun things. That post is currently sitting in my drafts, mocking me with its gleeful nature. The reason I didn't post that blog is because I'm not very cheerful. I'm not filled with happiness and I'm not doing okay. Those that are rather close to me know that the past couple months, particularly the past three weeks, have been some of the most difficult for me. I have most definitely not had an easy time, and it's been maybe the roughest time in my life in awhile.


My great Uncle Don died the Sunday of the week before finals. His memorial service was the Monday of finals week. I had to miss most of it because I had a final and my professor was not very compassionate about letting me leave. So, I missed the majority of his funeral and was suppressing the grief that I was experiencing. I didn't have time to mourn his death, I had finals. I had to get through the week and then, maybe I could feel again.


I went about rather numbly from then on, faking most emotions. It was hard for me to feel anything. I had hidden my heart away for two weeks, and I was scared to let it out again. However, I was kind of forced to because soon after school was over I experienced death once again.


My friend Raegan Pratt passed away early on a Thursday morning. She fell asleep and never woke up. Raegan had been struggling with serious, and ultimately fatal, kidney failure since she was in high school. But, like a super trooper, she managed to not only do the normal high school activities but also graduate college with not just one but two bachelor's degrees. I saw her at graduation. We joked and laughed, planning on seeing each other this summer and celebrate our birthdays since they were so close. I'm still struggling with the idea of having lost her, even after attending her memorial service. The same goes with my Uncle, none of it feels quite real. But the pain is real. The loss is real. It's all agonizingly real and not real at the same time. 


On top of this, I've been experiencing some other turmoil with people in my life. People who say wicked things and make fun of some serious things that I go through. People who will do anything to control a situation, even if it means ripping me apart. People who know what to say to bring me to my knees.


My goal for the summer before I leave for London is to weed these people out. They're poisonous. Hazardous. Wicked. Mean. Vengeful. Hurtful. I do not need people like that in my life, I have enough to worry about and having to be concerned whether or not a friend is going to be rude or a jerk is NOT something I need or want. I am looking for a clean slate, one that doesn't involve prickly people. My dad taught me a metaphor. He said that there are some people in the world who a porcupines, they will prick you and hurt you. They will not let you get close and when they do get close to you, they hurt you. He told me you never have to have porcupines in your life, ever. So, I don't want porcupines.


I only want people in my life who can be open with me and honest. People who won't be passive aggressive, or lie to me. I want people who will love me and comfort me, people who will hold me when I am down and lift me up. People who will show me God's unconditional love, not the Devil's evil ways. These are the people I want and need, the people I love and cherish, and I am thankful that I have some in my life. Unfortunately, I also have some who aren't and those who aren't have become more and more apparent in my life.


That is why it's time to clean up my life.


My request to my friends and those who think they are my friends...be honest with me. If you're mad, tell me and we can work through it. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense, we can work through it. If you're sad or upset with me, tell me and we can work through it. I can't read minds and won't attempt to assume what is going on, I'm no good at it. Holding it in only harms us both, so why punish yourself by not speaking up?


I've made this request known many a times, but it felt like the right time to make it known again. Because communication is key for me, and if we can't talk about something or work through it then our friendship could very well end up over, despite how close we thought we were.


There's a song I sang in my Musical Theatre class and it really speaks it to me. 
This is the song.
If you don't want to listen to the song, here are the lyrics. It's from the musical 13:


"A friends not a cheap little phony creep
Or a jerk trying to make a deal
A friend is a person who, most of all,
Cares about what you feel;
And nothing is harder
Than learning a friend isnt real

A friend sends notes back and forth all day
And doesnt care that you cant spell
A friend knows youve got a crush on your teacher,
But a friend would never tell
A friends outside waiting
The minute you both hear the bell

And if your heart is always breaking
Cause the world is just not fair
When you're at your worst
Your friends the first one there
Giving you something to lean on
And that's what it means to be a friend

A friend wont smoke when shes in your room
Or laugh at the poems you write
A friend wont go start kissing your brother
The minute that you're out of sight
A friend is the person
You call sixteen times every night

And if your heart is always breaking
And you want to run and hide
When your hope is gone
Your friend is on your side

If someone moves in round the corner
And you want to show him you care
So you give him all your last month of vacation
And all of the time you can spare
But then, on the first day of classes
He acts like you're not even there,
Then he doesn't know
He doesn't know!
Hell never know what it means
To be a friend"


Just remember what it means to be a friend and do be a good friend to the people you care about. And if you don't want to be friends with someone, tell them. What's the use in being around someone if you don't like them? 


Food for thought.

All I do is complain...

Doesn't it feel that way?

I start out complaining, and then I find resolution somehow through ranting. Today, I do not feel like much resolution is going to happen. I really don't know what I want to say either, which is frustrating. I am at a loss for words, and not in a good way. I am speechless for all the stupid and wrong reasons, at least in my mind. I can't even verbalize my issue without being too revealing for my taste. Let me try and do this and make sense of it, though feel free to bare with me because this could get confusing and messy.

So, if you go back a couple posts you'll find that I feared I opened my heart too quickly. And then a post or two later, I talked about being disappointed with the behavior of certain people. Somewhere in there I also was irritated about people that couldn't make up their minds. This is another installment of those kind of things, but in a more pathetic girl way.

I definitely don't know what is happening to me, haha. My brain cannot function normally anymore. I get so nervous to the point where I can only be sassy, and it is so stupid because that is NOT my goal. I am not aiming to be rude or push anyone away, but there I go...relentlessly sassing it up. My brain shuts down, tells me "Peace out!", and I am on my own. I don't know if you've ever been in that place, but it is so disturbingly uncomfortable that you start to panic a little.

Panic, panic, panic, panic, panic....sassy attitude. The best part is that it isn't a cute sassy attitude, it is the sassiest kind of sass.

Every time. I never fail to be sassy, but I fail miserably to flirt or even be kind. I don't know why. I lie. I do know why, I know exactly the reason why I act this way. I do it because I don't want to come off too strong, I don't want to come off to desperate or too excited because God forbid anyone ever show their real emotions without scaring people because they feel something. Despite my big bark about talking the talk, I can hardly bite into it and walk the walk.

I just...I wish that it was as easy as Romantic Comedies make it out to seem. But it isn't, because I don't have award winning script writers writing my life. I have God writing out my path, which is much better. I just wish that He could write it my way and at my speed. I've been told it doesn't work that way, so I guess I'm stuck.

If anyone could teach me how to flirt, that'd be cool.
You'd think as an actress I'd be able to harness all my nervous energy and do something with it, like be cute.
Hahaha. That'd be too easy.
Maybe I should try it out as an acting exercise...no strings attached and heart put aside.
Then again, that's me assuming that I am capable of thinking straight.
Augh.

Bandwagon.

This is a tag along to yesterday's post, so if you didn't like what I had to say yesterday then maybe it's time to mosey on out of here for the night.

Another thing that makes me scream out in my car and listen to music that pokes at those emotions is when people turn out to be completely different than who I thought they were. I often enjoy giving people the benefit of the doubt and I look for the best in people. When that is shot down, spat upon, kicked on, and ruined...it makes me sad.

I am not often optimistic, but I like to believe that people are inherently good. That makes me like them more, and then I am more drawn to that person if I subconsciously believe that the person I am getting to know isn't the root of all evil. Now, it is my fault when my illusion and positive image of this person is changed by who they actually are. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised when I am proven wrong but...it still hurts. Especially when the person's behavior proves your ideas at first and then they figuratively punch you in the face with reality.

Today, I am sad. Today, I was disappointed. Today, I came back to reality and realized that people may be good and nice but they aren't always who you think they are. This doesn't mean they aren't kind and good, but you just may have to re-evaluate the rest of them and your thoughts about who they are.

I still believe people are inherently good, and that they try to do things to be good. Some people, at least. Yes, I'm sad that I was...disillusioned. But that doesn't make the people who disillusioned me bad people, I just have to alter my view of them.

Yes, I'm irritated. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm more confused than ever. BUT.
This is about me. I mean, people's behavior influence how I view them but this ultimately is a problem of me thinking someone was different than who they really are before they could even stop me. Which happens more often than you'd think.

Ultimately, this is about me. Unfortunately, I am the one pissing myself off today. Well...half of it is me. Maybe 3/4's. The other fourth is some other people, but that is life. I must learn to roll with the punches and move past this. I can do that because I'm a big girl that can handle her problems (that's what I tell myself at least).

I don't think I have ever been more steadfast in prayer more than the past month.
God, be my lamp because I have no idea where I'm going or what I am doing.

This rawr does not mean I love you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 
RAWR!
rawr.
grrr.
humph.


What a lovely way to start, I know. Sometimes it needs to come out, and sometimes you can hear it if you're near me in my car at the right time. Why would I scream like a lunatic? Because I'm frustrated. I'm so frustrated and confused that words cannot seem to verbalize all my confusion and frustration except in an exclamation of vowels and consonants. Now you wonder, "what could drive her to be so upset that words don't come to her? I mean, she talks a lot and is never at a loss for words. What could possibly be driving her out of her wits end?"

Indecisive-ness. That is what is driving me up a hypothetical wall. People who can't make up their minds. Or worse, people who chose to act one way and then act another, then change back to the first and then back to the other, on and on it goes. Do you know what that does to a person? I'd reference you to the start of this post for the answer.

I just...I find it really inconvenient, confusing, and irritating when someone acts one way for a moment and then the next interaction is the complete opposite. Then for the rest of the time you interact with them, you're never sure what way they're going to behave because it seems that they can't decide. Just pick one, commit to it, live with your choice, and suffer or benefit from the repercussions. You can't have someone in your life and treat them like that because eventually they'll stop following you around. They'll stop thinking about whether they did something wrong and just leave. They'll stop wondering whether or not they're trying too hard and they'll just give up. They'll stop thinking about you in general, and move on even if it takes them forever and makes them sad.

I hate when I can't figure someone out. I love people who can tell me what they think, why they think it, their opinions, and their beliefs. If you don't like something I do because it's offensive or rude, let me know. I love open dialogue. I'm not one of those girls who will do something but mean something else. I'm not complicated, if you ask me a question I will answer it. No jedi mind tricks, no lies, no games. This applies to romantic as well as platonic relationships. I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE CAN TELL ME THINGS. I hate skirting around subjects, issues, problems, and concerns.

This being said, when someone in my life behaves in the aforementioned confusing and infuriating manner...I am prone to over analysis. I will think about it, think about it, over think about it, worry about it, be confused by it, and wonder what the frick is going on. I'll wonder if that's just who you are, if maybe you're having an off day or week, if you are trying to get rid of me, or just figure out what the heck you want from me!

I really like simplicity.
I like keeping it simple, stupid.
It doesn't need to be hard, complicated, exhausting, or irritating.


Say what you mean, and mean what you say.


That's all I ask, from anyone and everyone.


Side note: I played frisbee today and was out in the sun for hours...my arms are now very burnt. I hope it goes away tomorrow. I don't like the way it feels, because I put Aloe Vera on it and it still burns.

Call me Bruce Banner...

Want to know something that happened to me today?
I got mad. I got really mad. I got so mad that I was blind with fury and for the following twenty minutes could not think about anything else except that thing that made me mad. I was livid, I had to move my hands constantly because of the irritation that was swallowing me whole.

I could have been the HULK. No one likes the Hulk...ever.

Then I felt it. That swallowing feeling, the feeling that I was losing myself in my anger and being consumed by my emotions. My anger went to fear, because when I'm in that place I sometimes lash out and hurt those I love. Luckily, I pulled myself out of it before I lashed out. I realize that I can hurt people just as much as they hurt me. I'm not this poor little girl who always gets hurt or is made into the victim, sometimes I am the big bad wolf blowing people down.

These realizations, which I've before but thought I rectified, keep me in line. I pray about it and ask God for guidance. I need to be the kind of person that I want to see in others. This means actively being kind, merciful, forgiving, and cheerful instead of rude, mean, vicious, calloused, and vengeful. I don't think I'm always those last few but I know that sometimes, when the conditions blend in a certain way, I can be the kind of person that can make God's heart ache.

When I was sitting at home, still brewing in my frustration, I was letting it take the best of me. I let it cover me and I honestly didn't recognize myself. I had to stop, breath deeply, pray, cry a little, and let God take it from me. I'm working on trusting Him more, I keep thinking I'm independent of Him but I'm not. I need Him. I have to have Him help me or I am going to fumble, fall, and fail.

I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you and never apologized for it. I'm sorry for my vicious attitude. I'm sorry for the words I use as weapons. I'm sorry that I can be self centered. I'm sorry that I'm so sarcastic that it is hurtful. I'm sorry that I gossip. I'm sorry that I can be impatient with people. I'm sorry I let my sin consume me.

Hey God, I've got more burdens for You to take. Lots of them. Only You can help me, I need You to be the focus of my life again. I tried being the focus and I crashed and burned. Give me guidance. Give me patience. Give me kindness. Give me love. Give me the fruits of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23

 ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Word Barf.

You may or may have realized that I am not too swift with this. I mean, I think I am....then I'm not.
Not like you care much, or else you'd gripe. With the lack of gripes, I assume you've moved on or are a non-existent being. Neither is re-assuring.

Bonus fact: Summer is coming and I leave for London in July.
Sad fact: I may or may not have opened my heart too quickly to someone.

I realized recently that I can sometimes like people too much, romantically and normally. I blame this on my strong sense of Woo, since that's my first strength. I want to be liked, want to win others over, and I want to like people. Those close to me know this, although I complain about the masses (in my defense, people are oblivious sometimes and irritating. I admit to being one of these people, so call me a hypocrite if you'd like).

Anyway, this strong sense of Woo leads me often to trust people too quickly. Trusting them causes me to subconsciously open my heart to them, even if they don't know. It's my own fault, I know. I often realize when it's too late, when my head is barely a float in the friendship (or worse, relationship). Luckily, more often than not, I make a wonderful friend who cares about me and loves me. Then there's the one...the one that brings me completely under the water and holds me down as long as they can until I lose consciousness. It's probably the most frightening thing to experience, and realizing one of the people you thought was a friend is actually this person is right up there as one of the top most terrible experiences I have ever had to go through.

I'm not sure I am going through one of those drowning experiences now...at least, not yet. I am just realizing that people aren't always who you paint them to be. There will always be something you don't like, something that can come up that will hurt you because people are full of sin and aren't perfect. This doesn't make it hurt less when someone betrays you or makes you trust them less because of their behavior. It usually hurts the same, and sometimes worse. I find myself re-evaluating the people in my life and how important they are to my life, as well as whether or not they deserve to be in it.

I'm also afraid of letting anyone new into my life. I realize that thinking a friendship through so much seems... obsessive. There is a method to my madness, I desire to save my heart more damage. Especially if a friendship leads to more. My mind is a complex web right now.

I diverged from my original path slightly. I'm just scared that I'm going to let myself get hurt here again. Curse my inner Woo, wanting all those things without any discretion for my little heart. Lots of things have happened since my last post, lots of relationships with people changing and what not.

I honestly don't remember my original point, but it felt nice to share my spontaneous thoughts with the fictitious beings that I fool myself into thinking read this. You're all such a wonderful audience. I think it's time for me to start trusting God more and put my woes onto him, because I don't think I can carry them around much on my own anymore.

Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”