All I do is complain...

Doesn't it feel that way?

I start out complaining, and then I find resolution somehow through ranting. Today, I do not feel like much resolution is going to happen. I really don't know what I want to say either, which is frustrating. I am at a loss for words, and not in a good way. I am speechless for all the stupid and wrong reasons, at least in my mind. I can't even verbalize my issue without being too revealing for my taste. Let me try and do this and make sense of it, though feel free to bare with me because this could get confusing and messy.

So, if you go back a couple posts you'll find that I feared I opened my heart too quickly. And then a post or two later, I talked about being disappointed with the behavior of certain people. Somewhere in there I also was irritated about people that couldn't make up their minds. This is another installment of those kind of things, but in a more pathetic girl way.

I definitely don't know what is happening to me, haha. My brain cannot function normally anymore. I get so nervous to the point where I can only be sassy, and it is so stupid because that is NOT my goal. I am not aiming to be rude or push anyone away, but there I go...relentlessly sassing it up. My brain shuts down, tells me "Peace out!", and I am on my own. I don't know if you've ever been in that place, but it is so disturbingly uncomfortable that you start to panic a little.

Panic, panic, panic, panic, panic....sassy attitude. The best part is that it isn't a cute sassy attitude, it is the sassiest kind of sass.

Every time. I never fail to be sassy, but I fail miserably to flirt or even be kind. I don't know why. I lie. I do know why, I know exactly the reason why I act this way. I do it because I don't want to come off too strong, I don't want to come off to desperate or too excited because God forbid anyone ever show their real emotions without scaring people because they feel something. Despite my big bark about talking the talk, I can hardly bite into it and walk the walk.

I just...I wish that it was as easy as Romantic Comedies make it out to seem. But it isn't, because I don't have award winning script writers writing my life. I have God writing out my path, which is much better. I just wish that He could write it my way and at my speed. I've been told it doesn't work that way, so I guess I'm stuck.

If anyone could teach me how to flirt, that'd be cool.
You'd think as an actress I'd be able to harness all my nervous energy and do something with it, like be cute.
Hahaha. That'd be too easy.
Maybe I should try it out as an acting exercise...no strings attached and heart put aside.
Then again, that's me assuming that I am capable of thinking straight.
Augh.

Bandwagon.

This is a tag along to yesterday's post, so if you didn't like what I had to say yesterday then maybe it's time to mosey on out of here for the night.

Another thing that makes me scream out in my car and listen to music that pokes at those emotions is when people turn out to be completely different than who I thought they were. I often enjoy giving people the benefit of the doubt and I look for the best in people. When that is shot down, spat upon, kicked on, and ruined...it makes me sad.

I am not often optimistic, but I like to believe that people are inherently good. That makes me like them more, and then I am more drawn to that person if I subconsciously believe that the person I am getting to know isn't the root of all evil. Now, it is my fault when my illusion and positive image of this person is changed by who they actually are. I mean, I shouldn't be surprised when I am proven wrong but...it still hurts. Especially when the person's behavior proves your ideas at first and then they figuratively punch you in the face with reality.

Today, I am sad. Today, I was disappointed. Today, I came back to reality and realized that people may be good and nice but they aren't always who you think they are. This doesn't mean they aren't kind and good, but you just may have to re-evaluate the rest of them and your thoughts about who they are.

I still believe people are inherently good, and that they try to do things to be good. Some people, at least. Yes, I'm sad that I was...disillusioned. But that doesn't make the people who disillusioned me bad people, I just have to alter my view of them.

Yes, I'm irritated. Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I'm disappointed. Yes, I'm more confused than ever. BUT.
This is about me. I mean, people's behavior influence how I view them but this ultimately is a problem of me thinking someone was different than who they really are before they could even stop me. Which happens more often than you'd think.

Ultimately, this is about me. Unfortunately, I am the one pissing myself off today. Well...half of it is me. Maybe 3/4's. The other fourth is some other people, but that is life. I must learn to roll with the punches and move past this. I can do that because I'm a big girl that can handle her problems (that's what I tell myself at least).

I don't think I have ever been more steadfast in prayer more than the past month.
God, be my lamp because I have no idea where I'm going or what I am doing.

This rawr does not mean I love you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 
RAWR!
rawr.
grrr.
humph.


What a lovely way to start, I know. Sometimes it needs to come out, and sometimes you can hear it if you're near me in my car at the right time. Why would I scream like a lunatic? Because I'm frustrated. I'm so frustrated and confused that words cannot seem to verbalize all my confusion and frustration except in an exclamation of vowels and consonants. Now you wonder, "what could drive her to be so upset that words don't come to her? I mean, she talks a lot and is never at a loss for words. What could possibly be driving her out of her wits end?"

Indecisive-ness. That is what is driving me up a hypothetical wall. People who can't make up their minds. Or worse, people who chose to act one way and then act another, then change back to the first and then back to the other, on and on it goes. Do you know what that does to a person? I'd reference you to the start of this post for the answer.

I just...I find it really inconvenient, confusing, and irritating when someone acts one way for a moment and then the next interaction is the complete opposite. Then for the rest of the time you interact with them, you're never sure what way they're going to behave because it seems that they can't decide. Just pick one, commit to it, live with your choice, and suffer or benefit from the repercussions. You can't have someone in your life and treat them like that because eventually they'll stop following you around. They'll stop thinking about whether they did something wrong and just leave. They'll stop wondering whether or not they're trying too hard and they'll just give up. They'll stop thinking about you in general, and move on even if it takes them forever and makes them sad.

I hate when I can't figure someone out. I love people who can tell me what they think, why they think it, their opinions, and their beliefs. If you don't like something I do because it's offensive or rude, let me know. I love open dialogue. I'm not one of those girls who will do something but mean something else. I'm not complicated, if you ask me a question I will answer it. No jedi mind tricks, no lies, no games. This applies to romantic as well as platonic relationships. I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE CAN TELL ME THINGS. I hate skirting around subjects, issues, problems, and concerns.

This being said, when someone in my life behaves in the aforementioned confusing and infuriating manner...I am prone to over analysis. I will think about it, think about it, over think about it, worry about it, be confused by it, and wonder what the frick is going on. I'll wonder if that's just who you are, if maybe you're having an off day or week, if you are trying to get rid of me, or just figure out what the heck you want from me!

I really like simplicity.
I like keeping it simple, stupid.
It doesn't need to be hard, complicated, exhausting, or irritating.


Say what you mean, and mean what you say.


That's all I ask, from anyone and everyone.


Side note: I played frisbee today and was out in the sun for hours...my arms are now very burnt. I hope it goes away tomorrow. I don't like the way it feels, because I put Aloe Vera on it and it still burns.

Call me Bruce Banner...

Want to know something that happened to me today?
I got mad. I got really mad. I got so mad that I was blind with fury and for the following twenty minutes could not think about anything else except that thing that made me mad. I was livid, I had to move my hands constantly because of the irritation that was swallowing me whole.

I could have been the HULK. No one likes the Hulk...ever.

Then I felt it. That swallowing feeling, the feeling that I was losing myself in my anger and being consumed by my emotions. My anger went to fear, because when I'm in that place I sometimes lash out and hurt those I love. Luckily, I pulled myself out of it before I lashed out. I realize that I can hurt people just as much as they hurt me. I'm not this poor little girl who always gets hurt or is made into the victim, sometimes I am the big bad wolf blowing people down.

These realizations, which I've before but thought I rectified, keep me in line. I pray about it and ask God for guidance. I need to be the kind of person that I want to see in others. This means actively being kind, merciful, forgiving, and cheerful instead of rude, mean, vicious, calloused, and vengeful. I don't think I'm always those last few but I know that sometimes, when the conditions blend in a certain way, I can be the kind of person that can make God's heart ache.

When I was sitting at home, still brewing in my frustration, I was letting it take the best of me. I let it cover me and I honestly didn't recognize myself. I had to stop, breath deeply, pray, cry a little, and let God take it from me. I'm working on trusting Him more, I keep thinking I'm independent of Him but I'm not. I need Him. I have to have Him help me or I am going to fumble, fall, and fail.

I'm sorry if I've ever hurt you and never apologized for it. I'm sorry for my vicious attitude. I'm sorry for the words I use as weapons. I'm sorry that I can be self centered. I'm sorry that I'm so sarcastic that it is hurtful. I'm sorry that I gossip. I'm sorry that I can be impatient with people. I'm sorry I let my sin consume me.

Hey God, I've got more burdens for You to take. Lots of them. Only You can help me, I need You to be the focus of my life again. I tried being the focus and I crashed and burned. Give me guidance. Give me patience. Give me kindness. Give me love. Give me the fruits of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23

 ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Word Barf.

You may or may have realized that I am not too swift with this. I mean, I think I am....then I'm not.
Not like you care much, or else you'd gripe. With the lack of gripes, I assume you've moved on or are a non-existent being. Neither is re-assuring.

Bonus fact: Summer is coming and I leave for London in July.
Sad fact: I may or may not have opened my heart too quickly to someone.

I realized recently that I can sometimes like people too much, romantically and normally. I blame this on my strong sense of Woo, since that's my first strength. I want to be liked, want to win others over, and I want to like people. Those close to me know this, although I complain about the masses (in my defense, people are oblivious sometimes and irritating. I admit to being one of these people, so call me a hypocrite if you'd like).

Anyway, this strong sense of Woo leads me often to trust people too quickly. Trusting them causes me to subconsciously open my heart to them, even if they don't know. It's my own fault, I know. I often realize when it's too late, when my head is barely a float in the friendship (or worse, relationship). Luckily, more often than not, I make a wonderful friend who cares about me and loves me. Then there's the one...the one that brings me completely under the water and holds me down as long as they can until I lose consciousness. It's probably the most frightening thing to experience, and realizing one of the people you thought was a friend is actually this person is right up there as one of the top most terrible experiences I have ever had to go through.

I'm not sure I am going through one of those drowning experiences now...at least, not yet. I am just realizing that people aren't always who you paint them to be. There will always be something you don't like, something that can come up that will hurt you because people are full of sin and aren't perfect. This doesn't make it hurt less when someone betrays you or makes you trust them less because of their behavior. It usually hurts the same, and sometimes worse. I find myself re-evaluating the people in my life and how important they are to my life, as well as whether or not they deserve to be in it.

I'm also afraid of letting anyone new into my life. I realize that thinking a friendship through so much seems... obsessive. There is a method to my madness, I desire to save my heart more damage. Especially if a friendship leads to more. My mind is a complex web right now.

I diverged from my original path slightly. I'm just scared that I'm going to let myself get hurt here again. Curse my inner Woo, wanting all those things without any discretion for my little heart. Lots of things have happened since my last post, lots of relationships with people changing and what not.

I honestly don't remember my original point, but it felt nice to share my spontaneous thoughts with the fictitious beings that I fool myself into thinking read this. You're all such a wonderful audience. I think it's time for me to start trusting God more and put my woes onto him, because I don't think I can carry them around much on my own anymore.

Psalm 18:2 “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.”