Trying to find the words...

Usually I'm pretty good with words. ANYONE who has been around me for more than ten minutes knows that I am good at talking. 

   What most people don't realize is that there are a lot of things I don't say, thanks to this wonderful thing I have called a filter. 

It's not a real filter, not a physical entity, but I like to think there's a part of my brain that I've developed that will tell me..."HEY, DON'T SAY THAT. NOT HERE, NOT NOW."

   This voice, or intuition, is a valued trait. But that's not where I'm going today, because I could write a ton about the filter in my head. The filter I am talking about is the one you use when it comes to who you let in your life and who you don't. I have experienced my fair share of ended friendships, ultimately a drifting apart that was for the best, and I find that it was ultimately the best thing to have ever happened. 

This overly DRAMATIC image kind of does what I'm thinking a little bit of justice...

  Again, it is quite dramatic and something I reckon you'd see on a black and white tumblr blog with sad music in the background. 

   BUT BUT BUT I agree that not everyone you meet is going to stay in your life forever. I learned this through graduating high school, where I thought I had the best friends ever, and now I talk to less than a handful of people from high school. None of them are from my graduating class either! Shout out to Kayla for being one of my best friends and both of us surviving high school, college, and the swing community together. 

   I learned this in college, where I thought the exact same thing that I thought in high school. This time the burns hurt more, but they've healed. As a graduate, I realize that everything that had happened led me to where I am right now. And where I am right now is FREAKIN' AWESOME. My entire life since September has been dedicated to school, Key of Sea, assorted shows, and graduate school. Now I get to live out the dream of a lifetime by getting my MFA in London.

Despite the snipping, the burns, the loss...I am exactly where I dreamed I would be and filled with zero regrets. This doesn't mean I didn't get a few cuts, bruises, and scars. Getting here wasn't the easiest road and there definitely was struggle along the way, but I got here.

   I have to filter people that I let into my life because, after graduating twice and living life, I have learned that not only are most people not meant to stay but a lot of people shouldn't have been let in at all. Of course, you realize this after something fishy happens or a red flag beats you upside the head. But knowing that not everyone is meant to to stay and that not everyone is meant to be let in are two very important principles. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU THROW UP WALLS AND KICK PEOPLE IN THE FACE WHO TRY TO GET TO KNOW YOU. It means you use good judgement, you evaluate people, you seek wise council, you filter.

   Two of the closest people in my life have been there for years and have made it through some really hard times. Like, really difficult life points that seemed like nothing good would ever happen again. I treasure those friendships and look to foster the ones I have now. I know that me leaving will be a speed bump, or a wall for some, but that's part of growing up and continuously filtering and being filtered. I also know that come September there will be some people who will not make it into that next phase of my life. All I really know is that I am quite fond of a drama free life, have no problem removing toxicity, and will not put up with dysfunctional behavior from anyone. This is living a filtered life, a clean life, a healthy life.

I am feeling quite filtered, maybe you should start calling me Brita.

Just kidding, don't do that. 

In a Moment

So, I haven't blogged in a really long time.
I promise it was for a good reason, I really do. It was mostly I got caught up with school and then I had a tragedy that no one saw coming.

On May 6th, 2013 my brother was killed in a motorcycle accident. A week after he had graduated from the University of Florida with his Bachelor's degree.

I've been dealing with the death of my brother on top of trying to not let his death swallow me whole, which has been a battle. It's really hard not to just let it eat you alive and wallow in a pit of sorrow. Because sometimes that's what feels good, to be miserable. Sometimes you just want to feel hurt and sadness and you love to kick yourself for the things you didn't do because for some reason you like to make yourself suffer.

My dad calls it adding pain to your suffering. 

I can't explain why that feels good. It doesn't feel good all the time, but it does sometimes. It probably sounds super twisted, but whatever. Maybe it's a sympathy thing. Perhaps if I hurt enough someone will try and pull me out of it and show me they care. Perhaps someone will just pay attention to me because I'm sad and reassure me that he did love me or that he was proud of me.

Sometimes it feels good to ignore it though, to pretend like it hasn't happened. Because then I can be ignorantly happy for a little and not be worried about turning into a sobbing mess when someone mentions a topic remotely related to the trauma.

Sometimes I have a really good balance of emotions and can get through a whole week without feeling overwhelmed or depressed. I love those weeks, they make me really happy because I know they're signs of hope and potential closure.

I know that being sad and grieving is something I need to do to, which is why I don't do the "ignorance is bliss" thing very often. I know that sadness is also a milestone, so I try to equally accept those feelings like I do the happiness. You don't get to pick and choose, unfortunately. I think if I was happy all the time people would be equally as concerned if I was deeply depressed all the time.

I think one of the hardest part isn't my own personal grief, but the way this tragedy has affected other people in my life and ultimately how they take this experience and apply it to others. It's hard. Grieving is very hard and I think death is difficult, predicted or not, because you are losing someone you love.

So, what now?

Well...that's a good question.

I mean, really only time will heal this wound and take away the pain. Time and God, a'course. Someday it won't feel like someone just punched me in the chest and knocked the wind out of me. Someday it won't be hard to find motivation to do things my brother taught me to do or that I associate heavily with him. Someday I will be able to drive in my car and not burst into tears when I see a random motorcycle. This stuff isn't constant, but it happens sometimes and someday it won't be as often. I look forward to that because I know I'll be there one day. Luckily, my dad (with guidance from God) has been able to help me realize all this.

People think it's weird when I praise God, especially when I describe all of the above to them. But I know that there is this plan that I just can't see because He's totally in control. I mean, I don't realize it all the time or I'd probably be a super star or something. But I realize it often enough that it is one of the things that guides me through this time of my life. That and my dad. Shout out to the Lord for making him my dad because that was a great thing. Because with God's help and the help of my dad, I've realized something.

One day the sting won't be as bad.

What I need from those around me is love and comfort and prayer. Or positive thoughts, if you don't believe in prayer or God. I need people who love me, care about me, and want to support me. I need people who will support me when I am at my best and when I am at my worst. I need people I can trust. I need people who are willing to listen and only listen or who can just be there with me, even if no one says a thing. I need patience, because I'm not always on top of it. I need forgiveness, because I'm going to mess up and lash out. I need mercy and grace and compassion. I need people to be able to not reroute the conversation and make it about them. I need sympathy and understanding.

I know I need a lot, but I promise I give too. I won't suck you dry and I don't expect people to just constantly be giving to me, because you have needs too. Compassion fatigue is a real thing that I totally understand because it happens to everyone.

I guess I am letting my needs and wants be known because then there's no confusion. I am saying it, here and now what I need and what I'm experiencing on a daily basis. Moment to moment.

In a single moment, I can go from smiling to experiencing severe sadness because that's where I'm at.

That doesn't sound fun, I realize, but death changes things a lot and finding a new "normal" and new routine is something I'm working on. Normal from before is no longer normal and the way I did things, thought about things, or said things isn't the same either.

All I'm saying, really, is this is me. This is where I am. This is a glimpse into understanding what I am experiencing behind my curly hair and glasses. If you have questions, feel free to comment or ask me in person or through whatever means we interact. If you have no questions, then coolio.

Let someone else do the talking...

“Leaving is not enough. You must stay gone. Train your heart like a dog. Change the locks even on the house he’s never visited. You lucky, lucky girl. You have an apartment just your size. A bathtub full of tea. A heart the size of Arizona, but not nearly so arid. Don’t wish away your cracked past, your crooked toes, your problems are papier mache puppets you made or bought because the vendor at the market was so compelling you just had to have them. You had to have him. And you did. And now you pull down the bridge between your houses, you make him call before he visits, you take a lover for granted, you take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic. Make the first bottle you consume in this place a relic. Place it on whatever altar you fashion with a knife and five cranberries. Don’t lose too much weight. Stupid girls are always trying to disappear as revenge. And you are not stupid. You loved a man with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand. Heart like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas. Heart leaking something so strong they can smell it in the street.” —-Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell

Attitude of Gratitude in the Season of Giving

grat·i·tude  

/ˈgratəˌt(y)o͞od/

Noun The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Synonyms gratefulness - thankfulness - thanks - appreciation

Sometimes I'm ungrateful. I'm human, so it happens. But there are times where I will feel like I am owed something more, like I deserve better. I usually snap out of it pretty quick because my dad did not raise me that way and usually that only comes out around him. I just get so absorbed in me and believing I am the center of the universe. When I think about how I can get, I'm pretty ashamed. No one likes anyone who is ungrateful for their life and the blessings they have.

If you read my last post, I briefly mentioned that I was in a car accident caused by a drunk driver and that God really was the reason that situation didn't end with a funeral. A lot of people don't know all the details of my accident because I don't like to make a big deal out of it because:

1. I'm not dead.
2. I'm not terribly wounded.

At least, on the outside.

You see, when I got into that accident I had made a split second decision that ultimately saved my life and potentially two other lives. If I hadn't switched lanes to avoid the much thicker part of the pole, my tiny low to the ground car would have rolled. Physics was not on my side and my car would have rolled right on top of the totaled drunk driver's car. This means both myself and the two idiots in the other car could cease to exist.

Every once in awhile I think about how I decided to move over into the other lane right before the impact and how lucky I was that I collided with the smaller part of the huge lamp post instead of the other thicker part. (Except when my injuries flare up, then I usually just get grumpy) I think:
"How in the world did I calmly handle this situation when I have so many anxiety issues? How did I do that and call 911 without having a panic attack? How did I do that while I couldn't breath?"

The only answer I have come up with is that God had my back. And front, and sides. He put his hand on me and guided me through one of the most traumatic events of my life. There was a lot less I in that situation and a lot more Him. On my left wrist, I have a tattoo. If you didn't know that...well, surprise! In the tattoo, it has the verse Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future."

I was clothed that night by God.

Back to being grateful....since my accident, I've been having a rough time. I'm still trying to find my place here after being in England for four months and the accident really kicked up a lot of issues for me, on top of some family stuff that's been going on with my grandparents.

Yesterday my dad came up to me after my grandpa decided for Christmas he'd pay for the damage done to my car so that I can drive my car. He reminded me that I am so blessed and lucky to have the love and gifts that my grandparents give me because it wasn't always this way.

I really got to thinking about how TRULY BLESSED I am.

I have friends who love me and are there for me when I need them. Especially with coming back to San Diego and after my accident, they were on it like white on rice. I am so thankful for them. Having that rock there to support you when things get tough is good because then you know that they will comfort you after you fall and will help you back up.

I have a loving family. Every family has issues, granted, but when it gets down to it...my family has supported me so much. They made sure I could go to England, that I have everything I need, that I am provided for and encouraged, but most importantly....they love me.

I'm alive. It may seem silly to you if you think my accident wasn't that bad, but it could have been MUCH worse had I not made that split second decision and if God hadn't kept me the calmest I've ever been. God has this super cool plan for me; I know this because there have been quite a few near death experiences and I am alive to prove that it is not quite my time. In this, I have to remember to live my life gratefully because I have SO many blessings in my life. I mean, HELLO. I studied in London for four months. 

TALK ABOUT BEING BLESSED! AMIRIGHT!?

I just hope that I can keep up this attitude of gratitude because feeling entitled and acting bratty is not cute and people generally don't like it. I especially feel like this was placed on my heart considering the season we are in. Christmas has really become a consumerist holiday. A holiday about me, me, me, me. "What am I going to get?" "I want this. I want that. Gimme gimme gimme."

I know not everyone thinks of Christmas that way, and that's good. I'm not bashing gifts either. Gifts rock. Just remember that you are wealthier than most people in the world and if you didn't get the new iPod touch or iPhone or whatever it is because your -insert product here- is outdated or lame...maybe you should rethink throwing a tantrum about it and be happy that you can celebrate this holiday.

I wish we were a society of gratefulness instead of selfishness. I wish that was valued more than possessions. I know this post won't magically change the world, I just hope that it resonates with someone because these are things that have truly been on my mind.

Merry Christmas everyone!

I'm grateful for you, my friends, my family, my cat, my home, the fact that we have food, and most of all, my life. I hope you have a most wonderful holiday season and that you try can see the blessings in your life. I know that I'm not perfect and am not always grateful, but it's kinda been my mission to make sure that I do that. I wish it didn't take a traumatic event for me to realize it, but it's time to just live in gratitude instead of entitlement.

Happiness Missed This Train Today...

It is currently three in the morning.
The minutes will tick by, and I will be sitting here criss-cross-apple sauce on the conference room floor.
I will be sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I will be sitting here with mountains of work to do.
I will be sitting here tired.
I will be sitting here emotionally spent.
I will be sitting here anxious.
I will be sitting here sore.
I will be sitting here.
I will be sitting.
Sitting. Sitting. Sitting.

This is clearly not an uplifting post, but I'm tired and needed to vent some before I got back to writing one of my papers. I'm just...spent.
I'm butter in the bottom of the tub that just isn't quite enough for your toast.
Too thin.
Too little.
Not enough.
Inadequate.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm weak. I'm broken.
Right now, I need God more than ever before.
I suppose we say that often though, "I need God more than I ever have ever before this moment in crisis which won't seem that bad when I look back on it." I know I say it often.
I ache for my bed and for peace of mind.
And for maybe there to be less homework assigned. That'd be nice. A fat chance, but it'd be nice.

I don't know my purpose for this post, other than to just feel weak and accept it. I'll be better in the morning, when I'm no longer sitting and sitting and sitting. At least...that's what I hope.
3:03am. Three minute blog post of absolutely no substance. Amazing.

Pray for me.

ALL THE APOLOGIES!

Blogging is clearly not my forte, guys.

  We do so much here and ball so hard that I barely have time to sleep.
But actually...I went to bed at 3:30am yesterday, then woke up 3.5 hours later. That's awesome, right?

YAY HOMEWORK FOR DAYS.

And weeks...

And months...

And years...

And lifetimes...

       Okay, I'm being melo-dramatic but I had to emphasize all the time we spend doing homework. And somehow, some way...we are supposed to go out and see the city? Oh please, what do I look like? A magician? I'M NOT. The only solution I have found to doing homework, getting it done on time, and seeing the city is to sacrifice sleep.
In the words of my fellow London mates, "YOILO" <---for you ignorant fools, it is You're Only In London Once. This statement is not exactly true, but you know what...leave us alone. Stop being a stickler!

Wanna know what's awkward? 

THE GAPS BETWEEN THIS POST AND MY LAST BLOG POST.

I am so sorry.

   I've been busy, no one nags at me about posting, and insert all my other excuses.

I'm out seeing the city of London!

Yeah, that's what I'm doing!

Don't judge me.

So...I have a lot of catching up to do, haha. Awkward.

Let's see, we can start with September...

SEPTEMBER

We did Hamlet stuff, including a group class and seeing the production. Laertes...well, hello. ;)
We saw One Man, Two Guvnors. THIS WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND HILARIOUS. I LOVED THIS.
We also had a huge birthday party, it was pretty baller. There's video evidence of it somewhere, just blame Olivia. It was so much fun and competitive and fattening and delightful
Andrew Fowble went to Spain, but no one cares.
We also saw the best play of the semester: Troilus and Cressida. So....good? Well, not really.
But actually, this play was really, really, really...not good. I can't even pretend it was any good. I don't even know how to describe this show. It was an odd production.
The next thing we did was go to the Paralympics. No biggie, right?

HUGE BIGGIE.

We saw Doctor's Dilemma at the National Theatre.
We saw my most favorite Shakespeare production at the Globe, Richard III. MARK RYLANCE. AHHHHHHHHH. It was so good.
We had Andy here for a filming weekend, and that was hectic. BUT they recently showed one of the end products in Chapel, it looked awesome, so all our work was fruitful.
Somewhere in this month I went to Spain with Katie Callahan, which was so much fun!
Me encanta Barcelona!
The next big thing we did was go on our ten day UK exploration. We went to:

1. Bath
1. Went to the Roman Baths.
2. Bizzare Bath comedy walk, so hilarious. Noel did it so it was originally hilarious. He reminded me a lot of the comedy in One Man, Two Guvnors.
2. Liverpool
1. We went to a Catholic Cathedral.
2. Andrew Fowble: "LIIIIIIVVVEEEERRRRPOOOOOOOOL"
3. Deep conversations, affirmation circles, biggest hot chocolate in the world, ex-boyfriend stories inspiring Olivia. 
4. RAIN. RAIN FOR DAYS.
3. Chester
1. I have no comment. Olivia, Savannah, and I buckled under pressure and had Starbucks. DON'T JUDGE US. Everything dies at 5pm, especially on a Sunday. Laaaaaaamesst medieval town ever. 
4. Stratford Upon Avon: (SUA)
1. Here we saw Comedy of Errors, Twelfth Night, and The Tempest. I met the cast. I died. I loved it. I could have lived in the Royal Shakespeare Company, I really could have. 
2. We went to Warwick Castle.
3. Saw Shakespeare's birthplace and Anne Hathway's cottage. There was a kitty, and I loved it. Then there was Bubbles, the cat, who followed me for quite some time. 

The ten day trip was...interesting. The beds got better and better, ending with the Bed and Breakfast in SUA being awesome. I got my own bed and everything! sleep. I miss sleep. I should be sleeping now, but I'm writing this so people don't riot in the streets.

Haha, like it's really that big of a deal.

I tweet and Facebook enough to satisfy people's updating needs, because no one complains about this being almost a month and a half late. 

As for October, we have resumed classes and stuff at the Highbury Centre. My bed here is absolutely awesome. I adore it. We've seen Warhorse, which was a stunning production. I sat next to BNaylor, who is a horse back rider so I knew she'd love this and would be an awesome person to sit with. 

AND I WAS RIGHT.

We've also seen Much Ado About Nothing, set in India, as part of the World Shakespeare Festival. We also saw a sketchy pub production Great Expectations, where a real spider crawled across my face.

  NOT COOL.

I think I am due to update my celebrity counter too!

My celebrity tally:

1. Alfie Enoch (5 times....seriously?)
2. Three Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers
3. Destinee Hooker
4. Michael Ball
5. Imelda Staunton
6. Luke Brady
7. Jamie Parker
8. Simon Russell Beale
9. Fionna Shaw
10. Russel Brand
11. Ginger Spice
12. Stunt double for Timothy Spall
13. The cast of the Shipwreck trilogy for the RSC
14. CHRIS PINE.
15. The understudy for Stanley Stubbers in One Man, Two Guvnors. I forgot his name. Don't judge me.
16. Owain Arthur

Celebrities on my list:

1. Fionna Shaw
2. Arthur Darvill
3. Matt Lewis
4. Mark Rylance
5. Stephen Fry
6. Samuel Barnett

    In other updating news, my sister left recently. She visited me for a week and it was a marvelous time. I really miss her, I really miss home, I miss my cat, my parents, grandparents, friends, not living out of suitcases....the simple things in life, haha. I cried a lot when she left, it was kinda a hot mess. But she got to go to Paris for a day, see all the major London sights, and we went to Edinburgh, Scotland for an entire day and had a most wonderful time together. 

It's funny, I was told things would slow down after the ten day trip.

HAH.

I laugh in the face of that statement.

Things fly at high speed here, I think time moves faster...but I could be wrong. It's been known to happen once or twice. 

   We go to Wales this coming weekend, which should be fun. Then Megan Moran, my long lost ginger twin cousin, is coming to visit the weekend after, then we go to Paris where I hopefully will see her again and Matt, then the program only has two weeks till I go home.

November 17th, 7:30 pm.

I come in like, 34 days. 

WHERE HAS TIME GONE???

time, what're you doing? 

time...

TIME.

STOP.

   I won't lie...going home will be nice. I miss my friends from home, I miss the theatre, I miss acting and being involved, I miss Charity, I miss cooking, I miss baking, I miss my parents and grandparents, I miss smothering the hell out of my cat, I miss sleeping in, I miss Brooke, I just...miss. I miss a lot. So much missing, 34 days until I stop. But I bet you money then I'll miss London.

I know I'll miss it here. I love it.

   Despite all those things I miss, I absolutely adore this experience and everything that I am experiencing here. It makes me long so much for my future and what God has planned for me. Hopefully it is a good performance master's degree at a great school where I'll perform all the time and get magnificent and be able to go and be successful. Maybe some marriage and other stuff thrown in there... I should just focus on tomorrow, live one moment at a time.

In this moment, sleep calls to me. 

Goodnight room Goodnight room

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

Goodnight light and the red balloon

Goodnight bears Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens and Goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

Goodnight little house and Goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb and Goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody Goodnight mush

And Goodnight to the old lady whispering "hush"

Goodnight stars Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere

Why, oh, why would I want to be anywhere else?

Hey, remember that one time I told you I was awful at keeping up with blogging?

You don't?

Well. I'm awful at keeping up with blogging.

If you think this is bad, you should have seen me yesterday. I was VERY behind in my journals...so there's that. BUT I am all caught up, therefore prepared for class.

Of course when I was most prepared for class with everything...it didn't matter. Booooo.

Anyway, Hi. I'm Alyssa. I am in London. I don't want to leave. But I do. Ahhhh, inner conflict.

I'm sorry for being to scatter brained...sometimes I trail off and just talk about the most random things. My thoughts are kinda everywhere right now, but it is 10 something in the morning so I feel like I'm allowed to be a little scattered.

If you don't think so, then boo on you.

Boo is my word for the day.

Not really, I've only said it a couple times

Okay, time to focus and make a little more sense.

Welcome! Bienvenidos! Bonjour! (I am so cultured, you can tell by the three languages I used.) I am loving London. Here is a list of things we've done/seen:

• We saw A Midsummer Night's Dream at the Open Air Theatre, it was a modern imterpretation set in the world of Travelers, like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, SO. COOL. AND FUNNY.
• Went to the Imperial War Museum.
• Spent the day at the Olympic Park
• Met three Male Venezuelan Olympic Swimmers (that Lucas and I hunted down as a team)
• Saw The Trojan War and Agamemnon
• Went to St. Barnabus (Barneys)
• Went to Speakers Corner, which is where people get up on their soap boxes and preach their message about whatever they want to preach about. People get really heated but it is such an exciting experience!
• Toured the BBC, which was super cool awesome!
• Went to Wesley Chapel, where John Wesley started his ministry and lived and was buried. We also talked to Lord Reverend Leslie Griffith...so that's kinda wicked awesome.
• Saw London Road and the National Theatre, GOOD MORNING WELCOME. WELCOME. youautomaticallythinkitcouldbehimHAHA.
• Toured Parliament and educated myself about all those British aspects of government. 
• Saw The Revenger's Tragedy at a pub! Pub theatre = super interesting and cool.
• Attended a church service at Hillsong.
• MET DESTINEE HOOKER FROM THE WOMEN'S USA VOLLEYBALL TEAM. And I got to see her giant silver medal, in person, with my eyes.
• MET IMELDA STAUNTON AND MICHAEL BALL WHEN ME, SAM, DILLON, AND KENDALL SAW SWEENEY TODD.

Those are all the highlights...kinda. A lot has happened since I last posted, but it's all been great! You know what else is great? How attractive this country is. Olivia, a friend on the trip, says I have a super power. This super power is that I attract men, all men no matter what they are doing (like actors in shows that make sexy eyes at me...) and I have the talent for finding famous people. If they are male, they will be attractive. So...there you go. I'm a super hero. So far my super power has gotten me 6 famous people and lots of cat calls. I don't enjoy the latter part much because it's creepy.

How did I get on that tangent? Oh, yes. We'll blame Olivia...shhh, don't tell her. 

Well, I think that's enough recap. I'll try to be better about posting but I can't make any promises. I should have lots to say at the end of the week, we're seeing Henry V and Timon of Athens AND taking a tour of the Globe...so, I'll probably have a theatre geek out moment. 

On a note about Olivia, she has a vlog. For those of you who don't live and breath the internet, it's like a blog but a video instead. It's much cooler than reading! This is the link to the first video:

Click me, Click me!!!!

Something you will find as a theme in her vlogs, as more start to appear, is that she always catches me eating. Basically, it's the sexiest thing you've ever seen. I don't understand how I'm single, to be honest. I am just the most attractive lady around town. ESPECIALLY when I'm eating, I mean other people look awful but I make it...hot. (I laughed when I wrote this, laughed real hard.) 

I think I've punished you enough...if you've even made it this far in reading. You probably stopped...but feel free to comment if you didn't! Or ask questions! Or something...!