I had a post lined up with a recap since my last post, with updates and all sorts of fun things. That post is currently sitting in my drafts, mocking me with its gleeful nature. The reason I didn't post that blog is because I'm not very cheerful. I'm not filled with happiness and I'm not doing okay. Those that are rather close to me know that the past couple months, particularly the past three weeks, have been some of the most difficult for me. I have most definitely not had an easy time, and it's been maybe the roughest time in my life in awhile.
My great Uncle Don died the Sunday of the week before finals. His memorial service was the Monday of finals week. I had to miss most of it because I had a final and my professor was not very compassionate about letting me leave. So, I missed the majority of his funeral and was suppressing the grief that I was experiencing. I didn't have time to mourn his death, I had finals. I had to get through the week and then, maybe I could feel again.
I went about rather numbly from then on, faking most emotions. It was hard for me to feel anything. I had hidden my heart away for two weeks, and I was scared to let it out again. However, I was kind of forced to because soon after school was over I experienced death once again.
My friend Raegan Pratt passed away early on a Thursday morning. She fell asleep and never woke up. Raegan had been struggling with serious, and ultimately fatal, kidney failure since she was in high school. But, like a super trooper, she managed to not only do the normal high school activities but also graduate college with not just one but two bachelor's degrees. I saw her at graduation. We joked and laughed, planning on seeing each other this summer and celebrate our birthdays since they were so close. I'm still struggling with the idea of having lost her, even after attending her memorial service. The same goes with my Uncle, none of it feels quite real. But the pain is real. The loss is real. It's all agonizingly real and not real at the same time.
On top of this, I've been experiencing some other turmoil with people in my life. People who say wicked things and make fun of some serious things that I go through. People who will do anything to control a situation, even if it means ripping me apart. People who know what to say to bring me to my knees.
My goal for the summer before I leave for London is to weed these people out. They're poisonous. Hazardous. Wicked. Mean. Vengeful. Hurtful. I do not need people like that in my life, I have enough to worry about and having to be concerned whether or not a friend is going to be rude or a jerk is NOT something I need or want. I am looking for a clean slate, one that doesn't involve prickly people. My dad taught me a metaphor. He said that there are some people in the world who a porcupines, they will prick you and hurt you. They will not let you get close and when they do get close to you, they hurt you. He told me you never have to have porcupines in your life, ever. So, I don't want porcupines.
I only want people in my life who can be open with me and honest. People who won't be passive aggressive, or lie to me. I want people who will love me and comfort me, people who will hold me when I am down and lift me up. People who will show me God's unconditional love, not the Devil's evil ways. These are the people I want and need, the people I love and cherish, and I am thankful that I have some in my life. Unfortunately, I also have some who aren't and those who aren't have become more and more apparent in my life.
That is why it's time to clean up my life.
My request to my friends and those who think they are my friends...be honest with me. If you're mad, tell me and we can work through it. Even if it doesn't seem to make sense, we can work through it. If you're sad or upset with me, tell me and we can work through it. I can't read minds and won't attempt to assume what is going on, I'm no good at it. Holding it in only harms us both, so why punish yourself by not speaking up?
I've made this request known many a times, but it felt like the right time to make it known again. Because communication is key for me, and if we can't talk about something or work through it then our friendship could very well end up over, despite how close we thought we were.
There's a song I sang in my Musical Theatre class and it really speaks it to me.
This is the song.
If you don't want to listen to the song, here are the lyrics. It's from the musical 13:
"A friends not a cheap little phony creep
Or a jerk trying to make a deal
A friend is a person who, most of all,
Cares about what you feel;
And nothing is harder
Than learning a friend isnt real
A friend sends notes back and forth all day
And doesnt care that you cant spell
A friend knows youve got a crush on your teacher,
But a friend would never tell
A friends outside waiting
The minute you both hear the bell
And if your heart is always breaking
Cause the world is just not fair
When you're at your worst
Your friends the first one there
Giving you something to lean on
And that's what it means to be a friend
A friend wont smoke when shes in your room
Or laugh at the poems you write
A friend wont go start kissing your brother
The minute that you're out of sight
A friend is the person
You call sixteen times every night
And if your heart is always breaking
And you want to run and hide
When your hope is gone
Your friend is on your side
If someone moves in round the corner
And you want to show him you care
So you give him all your last month of vacation
And all of the time you can spare
But then, on the first day of classes
He acts like you're not even there,
Then he doesn't know
He doesn't know!
Hell never know what it means
To be a friend"
Just remember what it means to be a friend and do be a good friend to the people you care about. And if you don't want to be friends with someone, tell them. What's the use in being around someone if you don't like them?
Food for thought.
